Monday, 9 June 2014

This month I have been mainly...urine sprinkling. Not in a kinky way.

It's that time again:  Time for me to crack open the bag of generic cheesey puffs and write about what the family and I have been up to over the past month, so that you can feel grateful that you are not us and get to feel pleased with yourself for a bit.  I really should do these at the end of every month or the beginning of every new month and not just whenever I can be fannied.  But I don't even know what day of the week it is usually, so that's not going to happen.

Here we go....

1. Shooing chickens out of the house.  One of them managed to sneak in between Rory's legs when he opened the door, peg it upstairs and get into the bathroom without me noticing.  I found it dossing about in the sink, scoffing the artisan soap.  This is the tip of the 'chickens getting into house' iceberg.  Chickenbastards.

2. Trying to get my son to spell his surname correctly.  It's Jarmin.  Jarmin.  NOT JARMINGE.  Seriously child, you're setting yourself up for a super bad nickname there.

3. Getting Mr Disgrace to dress up as Venom for our son's superhero birthday party.  He took very little persuading actually, which is slightly worrying.  Photo below for your enjoyment - the only evil overlord I've ever seen with VPL.

4. Facing some harsh dieting truths.  Mainly that piling half a jar of jalapeno peppers on top of leftover Dominoes pizza does not count as "upping my veg intake" and that reading The Famous Five to your child every night before bedtime gives you unbelievable cravings for cream buns, bread and butter and lashings of ginger beer.  I can take or leave the shrimp paste sandwiches, though.

5. Piss sprinkling.  I am told that the presence of human male urine should deter foxes.  I panic quite a lot about foxes getting the chickens, so will try anything that's supposed to keep them away.  So I've been making Rich wee into an ice-cream tub, which I then take outside every evening (seriously, don't worry about it - the magic and mystique of our relationship was dead and buried years ago) and sprinkle it around the border of our garden.  Obviously, John From Nextdoor has been outside while I've been on my wee distribution missions.  He hasn't said anything yet, but the look on his face has clearly said "oh for the love of God, will you please just move house, you bunch of crazies" recently.  It may be worth noting that he's also witnessed me appearing to drink from a plant spray bottle one day when I was trying out a top household tip which involved spraying clothes with vodka while they hang on the washing line to get rid of stubborn food odours. And scraping mashed potato out of Rory's trainers with a spoon.  And Richard's precarious rooftop wasp extermination shenanigans.  I could go on.  We basically need to win the lottery or inherit an awful lot of money very soon so we can leave our poor neighbours in peace.

What have you been up to this month?  Extra points for leaving bodily fluids in your garden or having livestock in your bathroom.


  1. Pissing myself laughing at the thought of you going into the garden with a tupperware box full of Rich's wee and sprinkling it on the herbaceous borders! I've got nothing to compete with that - not even the naked sword fight I saw yesterday in my living room.

  2. It's been a pretty special month here for marital relations.

  3. You know its bad when somebody talks about livestock in their bathroom and you can completely relate to it. Chickens are ridiculous

  4. Hi Lisa,
    Just discovered your blog via Mumsnet and so glad I did! Your antics with the chickens has really made me laugh. We heard about the urine tip as well when we got our hens, however we dispensed with the plastic tub - hubby and no. 3 son went all caveman about it and just straight up peed along the fences. I did at least make them wait until it was dark, think our neighbours would've had a heart attack. I'm sure they're already convinced we are complete heathens!
    Looking forward to delving further into the blog!