Wednesday, 5 March 2014

Feeling bad about your parenting skills?

Don't.  Here's a by no means comprehensive list of my fails over the past 4.5 years:


1. When I shoved the pram containing newborn baby Rory into a thorny bush full of wasps in my quest to avoid one of said wasps myself.  Maternal instinct, you say?

2. The day he cracked an egg down the back of a hot radiator and I had to spend the afternoon poking scrambled eggs out of it with a coathanger.

3. The day he filled his shoes with mashed potato, neatly patting it down on top like a sandcastle.

4. When I forgot the wipes at baby clinic one day and had to wipe his bum with a sock.

5. This conversation at a playgroup when he was 2:

Play leader: "So where do you live Rory?"
Rory: "In squalor."

6. The time he ate and then excreted an entire Well Done sticker.  Well done indeed.

7. The day he saw a mop in a friend's house and giggled hysterically at it asking "WHAT IS THAT EVEN FOR?"  That sums up my attitude to housework nicely.

8. The time he ate the autumnal pot pourri and I had to Google whether it was poisonous.

9. The morning I tried to take him to Rhyme Time and instead of joining in like everyone else, he emptied all the musical instruments out of the box, sat in it, repeatedly smacked himself in the face with a cymbal and kept shouting "MAKE IT STOP."

10. The Great Toilet Paper Incident of 2010.

11. All the times he shouted "LOOK AT ALL THAT WINE FOR YOU, MUMMY" in Waitrose.  

12. This exchange when he was running into a road some years back:

Me: "STOP."
Rory: "HAMMERTIME."

13. A couple of weeks ago when, on a cultural trip to an art gallery in Manchester, he told me that the best thing in the whole gallery was "that massive painting with all the boobs."

14. When he was fannying about in the local shop and I wanted to get home.  He had a thing about getting home before my husband arrived back from work, so I spurred him on with "come on Rory, hurry up - if we're not quick Daddy will beat us again."  Obviously I wasn't referring to 'beat' in domestic abuse terms.  The shop assistants really over reacted.

15.  When I decided to make him laugh by making Les the Meerkat (his favourite cuddly toy) dance along to the song that I was idly singing.  Until I realised that I was singing this:




Now add yours and make feel feel better.  Please. 

46 comments:

  1. How about when I was being asked by the midwife if there was any domestic abuse at home and I said "Daddy's lovely, isn't he Eli?" and she said "He's a monster!"

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  2. The time when Ed was about 3 months old and after having changed him was gently tossing him up in the air and catching him ti howls of laughter from him. The wife called from his bedtoom to ask what he was laughing at so I turned round to show her and tossed him up face first into the door frame. Cue horrified silence broken by howl of pain from Ed.

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  3. Haha crying laughing at these.

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  4. Aaaaaaaaahahaha PLEASE tell me all these are true??? In Squalor! Hammertime??? Rory is a genius! I have one but it's potentially offensive to some (?!). I say I have one, I have HUNDREDS but a pitiful memory. The one that springs to mind, is Gus's first word. Emlyn and I were being silly in the front of the car, i was trying to rub his leg when he was driving and he wanted me to get off, so he was saying, "errrrr, gerrof, you've got AIDS!"....from the back of the car we hear a delighted shouted of "AIDS!". AIDS was his first word. o_O. Oh and fast forward 2 years, (i've just thought of a far worse, more recent event!), he's in the back of the car, window down, when he decides to lean out and shout to a random passer by, "Hey you! You can fuck off!"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now THAT is bad parenting! I mean, i don't even know where he would have even heard that! He's 3.5!!!!! I admit i may have let the odd for Fucks sake or fucking hell slip out but "you can fuck off!"?????? SO embarrassing! :(((((((((((( I get the medal as the worst mum! :D

    But back to this post....it made me LOL (lol said ironically OBVS). And not many things do! :D Xxxxx

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    1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!

      And yes, all true.

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  5. I love the 'In Squalor' one - brilliant!

    There was the time I was taking my youngest into nursery only to realise he was sitting in the pushchair loudly singing 'T-TT-T-T -touch me - I wanna be dirty' from the ROcky Horror Picture SHow.

    Or the time my daughter was sat in her pushchair in the bank and I realised she was doing impressions of Spit the Dog from TIswas.

    Or the time my son ran to the door to greet my husband's new boss with the words - 'Hello - you're a nice big fat man aren't you?'

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    1. Oh God, you've just reminded me of a really shameful one. Going to have to edit and add a number 13 now.

      V impressed with your son's boss greeting skills.

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    2. Was just thinking this was funny yet familiar.... it was posted by my mum!!! i am she of spit-the-dog fame!!!!!! :D (i posted a link to this on my FB page...hence her commenting!) hi mum! *waves*

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  6. Me, aged not quite two, on a bus with my mum who was about 8 months pregnant with my little brother. One of those moments when the bus goes really quiet. I say, quite loudly, "my daddy's got a big penis."

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    1. My son has done this one, but as a question to me - 'Daddy's got a big willy hasn't he mummy?' Er...

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  7. In the family changing room (open at the top if that makes sense - you can hear everything) at the pool, Oldest Child aged 4: "Daddy, I can see your giant willy!". Daddy tries not to look smug. Oldest Child, pleased with the attention, follows up with "Mummy, I can see your giant bottom!". Great.

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  8. My 3 year old son beating me to answering the phone and then shouting "Mummy, it's that person you really hate!"......

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  9. exchange between my then 4 year old daughter and her dad
    him: "arrrgh! why are you being so naughty today?"
    her: "because YOU are getting on my tits daddy!" complete with one hand on her hip and the other in her hair. just like I do. I need to watch what I say....

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    1. I think a bit of wee actually just came out...crying with laughter!!!

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    2. OMG cant stop laughing lmfao

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  10. When my son was just under 2 years old we moved house and I decided to take him to the local mum and baby group so that I could make some new friends in our new area. Unfortunately, my son decided that this would be the day he would just run and run and run all over the place so that I couldn't actually talk to anyone because I was stopping him from eating the entry money/glue/other children. After a while a needed a drink, being 7 months pregnant with SPD I was pretty worn out. I turned my back for literally 30 seconds to retrieve a bottle of water from my bag and when I turned back I couldn't see my son.
    I wasn't too panicked because the building was pretty secure and I was sure I would find him Sat under a table playing with paint or glue or something else messy. Then I heard the words "I think your son is playing in the toilet". I saddled as quickly as I could to the toilets (some silly person, no doubt with a placid little Angel for a child, had left the corridor door to the toilets open), and what do I see? My son happily dipping a plastic carrot from the play kitchen in to a weewee filled toilet (it wasn't even his wee, not that it would make it much better) and sucking the toilet water/wee off of the carrot. He then pointed at the toilet (while I was taking the carrot off him) and said "drink mummy, more driiiiink!"
    Needless to say I didn't go back to that baby group, and it was only after a call to the doctors to make sure that I didn't need to have him treated for some hideous toilet disease he may have picked up, that I saw the funny, yet still disgusting, side of it.

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  11. My son learning about different genders and then announcing to anyone we walked past or spoke to that I Mummy is a lady-boy o_O This went on for several weeks.

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  12. My four year old was in the trolley at the supermarket. We were at the checkout being served by a chap with very long hair. I watched the cogs whir in her head and knew what was coming couldn't be good. At the top of voice she points at said boy and cries 'is it a boy or a girl?'

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  13. This is genius! I have many:
    - The time when a child came round for a playdate and he piped up with 'mummy - why is this house so messy?'
    - The time when I forgot both nappies and wipes and had to fashion one from an empty nappy sack filled with loo roll.
    - The time when I took my toddler for an alfresco wee and she did a poo on the floor instead. I had to dig a hole and bury it - like a marine.
    - The time when we left all the presents bar one at home when driving up to the grandparents for Christmas.

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  14. Love these!!
    I my 3 year old had an alfresco wee on the school run which turned into a poo. I only have 2 envelopes in my bag, so had to use those to clean up and dispose of the said poo. Ended up doing the whole school run with a poo in an envelope in my handbag. GROSS!!

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  15. These are brilliant and have made me laugh so much. We were recently at our local vicar's making arrangements for our wedding when our son shouted out "cock, cock" to the vicar (cue us having to explain that he couldn't pronounce the l in clock!).

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  16. My nephew went through a faze of shouting... Boobies (age 3) at the top of his voice, every time he saw a woman in a low cut top. Was even worse when we were sat in Starbucks and hello magazine was on the table with lots of boobies. We didn't end up staying to drink coffee.

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  17. In the Ashmolean museum - "HAHA MUMMY THAT STATUE HAS THREE WILLIES!!!" (1 willy and two testes)/HAHA LOOK BUMS!!! (4 and 2yo respectively)

    Child very anarchically singing row your boat at cousins wedding when vicar was asking if anyone had any objections.

    Me having to actually use phrases like 'stop lickng that lamppost/dont bandage the cat/the monkey doesnt want to dance in the yoghurt/get your bare bum off my crocs/stop waving your bum at me (frequently)

    "Haha mummy i can see the cat's poo chute"

    Theres probably more but i've repressed many of them

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  18. Talking her to a farm and loosing her for a few minutes, only to hear a deafening honking sound.
    Cue child coming around the corner with a goose half her size pinned under one arm, beak held shut with the other.
    I didn't know whether to be angry or impressed.

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    1. Impressive I say :-)

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  19. Daughter, aged 2, very excitedly shouts 'Look! A big cock!' in the middle of York, after seeing ...a big clock.

    Pointed at dada's gentlemanly arrangement as he got out of the bath and said, 'Look at Dada's willy!' before collapsing in a heap of giggles, as did I. Dada was not so impressed, I recall.

    I once visited a friend with my then 4-month-old baby daughter and forgot a nappy. I was using cloth nappies so it didn't even occur to me to ask to use one of my friend's Pampers (not hers, her baby's) or whatever, so I wrapped up daughter's bum in an old teatowel I had in the changing bag, and hoped the babygro would hold it in place until I got home. It didn't, and I have no idea why I had an old teatowel in the changing bag in the first place.

    Daughter, aged 4, with me in a ladies' toilet at a festival, with a huge queue outside, at top of voice: 'Mama, are you having a poo?' repeatedly, with me trying to quieten her and muttering something about not having to shout about what we're doing in the toilet every time, until someone outside called out 'Go on, tell us, we're dying to know!'

    Daughter aged 2 in Budgens, screamed, headbutted the floor, and screamed more, after being denied a bag of crisps. I left her to it while I paid for the shopping, then tried to carry the lot in one hand, plus bright red screaming and now sobbing-in-pain toddler under the other arm whilst attempting to maintain a motherly air of calmness and dignity, and pretending that no-one was staring. By the time I got to the car I had failed at all these things magnificently.

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  20. My daughter who couldn't pronounce her tr sound. She said it as an f sound instead. Result: walking through town with daughter in buggy pointing at trucks passing saying "fuck, fuck" loudly whilst pointing.

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    1. I sear that every child, at least once, has done that!!! :) I know mine did :)

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  21. Me, aged 3, first day of nursery, proudly come home wearing a best news badge for 'my daddy doesn't wipe his front bum, he shakes it!'

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  22. Only the other day I found myself casting about for something to use to push the poo down the plughole (S and I both covered in vomit, so both needed a bath - all good until S did a mahoosive #2). S was beaming from ear to ear as we bathed in poo soup up to our waists. Being unable to either put S down or get out of the bath without covering the place in poo, I used a shampoo bottle to, er, dispatch the poop. We did eventually emerge from the bath, we were clean, so was the bath - it was a bloody miracle.

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  23. My children's teacher "Does your mummy have a hobby?"
    My 4 year old "Yes, wine"
    My 6 year old "No, gin"
    Of course they now think I am a raging alcoholic, nice one boys!

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  24. My then 3 year old singing and skipping, of sorts, down the wine isle in Tescos singing' Wine, wine, lots of wine, lots of wine for Mummy!'
    The time he was 15 months and left alone naked in the bathroom pre bath time for 1 minute max- walked back in to find him sitting in the bottom of the shower, holding his own poo, much as one would a Twix or Mars Bar, and yes, eating it! The look on his face I will never forget!

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  25. We had our first flood scare a few years back, so moved all valuables upstairs including wine collection (a few bottle of red, some sparkling, the Scotch and the medicinal Baileys) which fitted neatly into double bed built-in drawer. At school the next day, 4 year old proudly announced to teacher that "Mummy keeps all her alcohol under the bed".

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  26. Loudly "Why has that lady got snakes (braided corn rows) on her head". I died.

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  27. I don't have one to add (not because there aren't any, just because I can't think right now)... BUT this made me laugh. I haven't laughed in awhile and it's been an awful day. Thank you :)

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  28. Hilarious all of them :)

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  29. when i say "pack it up", my lot (6 aged 22 down to 7) sing pack it up, pack it in, let me begin!!!

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  30. When my daughter was a few months old I took her to visit a friend who lived in a small flat. We manouevered the empty pram into the room we were sitting in, however, when I was leaving we had to get the pram back around the tight bend in the hallway, now with sleeping baby in. Being a new mum I decided the safest thing for me to do was lift the bottom of the pram, the friend takes the handles, we push and pull the pram to no avail for a few minutes, when the pram suddenly jutts forward with a loud thwanng noise. My friend was horrified to realise instantly that baby's head was hanging out top of pram and the loud thwang was infact her head banging off of the radiator. No damage was done to baby slept through entire ordeal although it took myself and the friend much longer to recover.

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  31. Walking along very busy street at night with our 4yr old triplets looking at Christmas lights, at every new house we were greeted with "'holy sh*t'" in tune. Tried to convince them that the saying was "'holy cow"', all to no avail.

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  32. Pmsl at all of these. I'm sure I'll get many with my 2 year old and almost 8 month old :-D

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  33. I was in BHS loos in Brum once, in a long queue. Suddenly, this little voice rings out from inside one of the cubicles "Mummy. Why is your bottom all hairy?". The queue dissolved into giggles. The Mummy emerged a few minutes later, scarlet.

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  34. OMG! These are so funny. Gotta love their candour!
    No. 2 son telling his teacher 'my Mum wears knickers that go right up her bum'

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  35. These are brilliant! Here's one from Castle Coop: going to the Police Station to report out car missing from the station car park, lifting up eldest aged 5 onto counter top while we fill in a form and then hearing him telling the police sergeant on duty in a confidential tone, that 'our daddy's a burglar actually'.....

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  36. LOL how funny, I', almost tempted to say you sons should meet but I think that will mean total mental breakdown for us. My son saves some of his most concerning comment for our arrival at the kids centre. His most recent was 'mummy i want someone to make me happy' just as I'm signing into our new kids centre because he relocated in Feb, talk about a way to make an entrance eh. Bearing in mind I'm a stay a home mum and his literally on me at various points in the day and we do play together I'm not sure what else a 3 year old means by make me happy lol

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