Wednesday, 6 March 2013

The bears have invaded the highstreet again.

Rich and I were in Tesco the other day when we remembered that Mother's Day is looming.  We made our way over to the display of Mother's Day cards where our eyes were assaulted by an unholy amount of Barbie sick pink, with a little bit of lilac thrown in for good measure.

As we poked through the cards looking for non-pink ones, we became aware that they fell into two categories and two categories alone:

1. Ones with drawings of flowers on the front, usually seen on 'Happy Birthday Grandma' cards.  Obligatory  nauseating piece of Vogon poetry inside.

2. Ones with annoying, twee little bears clutching flower posies and generally needing a slap on the front. Often with a crap pun like "to a beary special mummy" to add to the misery.

There were no other types.  If you're a mother, you are obviously supposed to chuck in all your former tastes and like either flowers and rubbish poems or cutesy bears and bunnies.  And pink.  Lets not forget the pink.

Right.  (3...2...1...) I DON'T WANT A CARD WITH A BEAR ON THE FRONT.  I don't like bears.  Well, the proper ones who live in the wild are OK, but teddy bears or any other form of cute cuddly toy can piss off.  Seriously, why oh why have the greetings card industry decided that cute bears appeal to mums?  Mothers, by definition, are of child bearing age.  We are grown women, not 6 year old girls.  I wasn't even that keen on drawings of fluffy little creatures when I was a 6 year old girl, so why am I being subjected to them at the age of 34?

While we're at it, I don't want a teddy clutching a heart on Valentines Day (seriously, who does?), I don't want a china figurine of one on my mantlepiece (or any china figurine at all come to think of it), and I especially don't want Winnie the Pooh or any of the other inhabitants of the Hundred Acre Wood on my night attire.  The only place for a doe eyed soft toy or any depiction of such an item is in my 3 year old's bedroom, and even then I have my limits.  I am not a teddy bear person.  Anybody who even vaguely knows me can tell.  I suspect you can even tell just by looking.  If I was held at gunpoint and forced to choose a fluffy creature to represent me, it would be a spiky, pissed off badger or something similarly badass.  Maybe even a disgruntled honey badger or an angry polecat.  I don't see any cards with them on.

Men only have it slightly better.  Come Father's Day, cards are plastered with pictures of beer, football or paintings of ships sailing into the mist.  Mind you, I'd happily take any one of those choices over effeminate bears looking wistfully at me.

While we're at it, what is all this "Best Mum in the World" business about?  It's plastered all over the cards in a most optimistic fashion.  It goes without saying that I am not the best mum in the world. I'm not even in the top 500.  I would like to campaign for a more realistic selection of slogans on Mother's Day Cards.  Such as "Nice try" or "Well done for not saying any swear words within my earshot, Mummy" or "Top job - you got me to school on time every day and still managed to put your mascara on".

Please please please say that it's not just me who feels this way.  Can I get a "hear, hear"?  If so, shun the pink and the cutesy creatures and make your own cards.  Bonus points if you get an angry badger on the front of yours.

Of course, should Rory ever happen to make me a pink card with a sprig of flowers and a drawing of a wide eyed woodland creature on the front, I would adore it.  Anything that my child makes himself is precious to me.  He could fart The Only Way Is Up into a penny whistle and I'd think it was wonderful because he's mine and he's brilliant.  If, however, he ever purchases such a card from Clintons, a little part of me will die inside.