Tuesday, 3 December 2013

Stupid Bears and Baby Clothes: A Rant


God, I hate bears.  Well, no.  No I don't.  Actual bears like this one aren't doing anything to wind me up.  I can get on board with proper bears.


But kids TV bears need drop-kicking. Quick - list all the telly bears from your childhood that you can and I bet there's not one bad-ass in the lot of them:

1. Sooty and Soo.  Well, you already know how I feel about Soo.  I have been known to drop the c-bomb regarding her on occasion.  Sooty's not much better either.  What's that you're saying Sooty? SPEAK UP, CAN'T HEAR YOU.


2. The Care Bears.  The only good one was the blue one with the pissed off expression, and that's because he was always getting a rollicking for not caring enough.  There he is in the middle, not giving a fig.


3. The Gummi Bears.  Bouncing here and there and everywhere.  Exuberant little fuckers weren't they?

4. Yogi and BooBoo.  I will make an exception for Yogi Bear - he's quite cool.  Booboo, however, is not.  I was going to compare him to Jar Jar Binks, but actually I think that would be inaccurate because as far as I know, he's always been a character in the show.  Therefore, I will simply compare him to a penis.


5. Kissyfur.  The clue is in the name.  I don't remember anything about Kissyfur other than him being nauseating.  Look at his annoying, simple face.


6. Teddy Ruxpin: No idea what was going on here either, but I clearly remember thinking that Teddy Ruxpin was a knob even though I was only about 7.  


7. Winnie the Pooh:  Not very bright, always moaning, always getting a fudging honey pot stuck on his stupid lard guzzling head.



But by far the worst rubbish little bear  has to be this one:


Tatty Teddy, the bland little grey git.  I hate that bear.  I think we're supposed to feel sorry for it, what with it falling apart and having sad eyes and stuff.  I don't buy it.  Tatty Teddy just makes me think of domestic abuse.  Here he is being sorry:




"I'm sorry Lisa.  I'm sorry I called you stupid/,made you cut off contact with your friends/locked you in the house so you couldn't go out/kicked you repeatedly.  I'm so sorry and I'll never do it again.  You just make me so angry.  You need to try harder and then it will never happen again, because I'm sorry, OK."


"I'm sorry too, Tatty Teddy.  I'll try really hard next time not to buy the wrong brand of mayonnaise/wear a low cut top in public/say anything to make you smack me in the face.  You're right, it is all my fault.  You'd better flagellate me now, actually, while I'm cowering."

DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR THE BEAR.

Now, where I'm going with this meandering rant about bears, is down the route of clothing for babies and toddlers.  Here's the thing:

Baby clothes designers seem to take a perfectly decent and serviceable item of baby clothing (usually in pale blue or pink depending on gender, because those are obviously the only colours allowed and what we really need is gender stereotyping right from the moment we come out of the womb, don't get me started), and then they ruin it by putting a really rubbish cartoon bear on it.  You cannot escape Rubbish Bear baby clothing - there's examples of it in most high street stores.

Exhibit A (M&Co)


Exhibit B (BHS) 


Exhibit C (M&S) ARGHHHH, IT'S TATTY TEDDY AGAIN.


It's not always a bear: It usually is, but sometimes it's a particularly insipid bunny rabbit, or a jaunty crocodile or a smirking giraffe, but they've always got the same bland expression and are right there, ruining an otherwise perfectly acceptable piece of clothing.  To make matters worse, the designer then adds a pointless embroidered phrase, usually with a pun relating to the rubbish creature portrayed.  If it's a monkey, you can guarantee it will say 'monkeying around'.  If it's a dog, it will be 'dog tired'.  Unless the designer is designing an item of sleepwear but still really wants to use a bear instead of a dog, in which case "I'm beary sleepy" is trotted out, and we all consider homicide.

Please high street baby clothing designers, stop it with the pointless, bland bears.  Just because babies are babies does not mean that they need an inane character on their clothing.  Leave it plain or use a particularly fabulous pattern please - yes, one that involves bears if you really must.  Only good bears though.  Look, H&M have got it right:



and this polish brand which I can't pronounce or spell:



JUST SAY NO TO INSIPID BEARS.  Hashtag it on Twitter.  Pin it.  Whatever, just join me in my crusade to ban the pointless little bleeders and make the world of children's high street clothing a less annoying place.





18 comments:

  1. I couldn't agree more. But you forgot Pooh. Fat greedy bastard that he is. And Forever Friends *barfs on shoes*.

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    1. I just this minute realized that I forgot Winnie the Pooh and came back to write about him but feel I can't actually be bothered because he's so annoying. Cannot believe I forgot the vom-worthy Forever Friends lot though.

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    2. I thought very hard and HAD to come back and include Winnie the Pooh. He's too much of a prick to miss out. Good call.

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  2. Couldn't agree more, Lisa. So many lovely baby/kid clothes have been utterly ruined by the application of a simpering, crappy cartoon animal,

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  3. Is that unpronounceable Polish one *gasp* BLACK and white?? I love it! Where can i get one?

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    1. It's here: http://funkylittlepeople.co.uk/products/zezuzulla-polish-designed-and-made-black-bears-bodysuit

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  4. Funny you mention that re: Tatty Teddy. Someone I know who was in a DV relationship used to get bought them all the time.

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    1. This is actually why it makes me think of DV I think - I knew someone in the same situation who was always bought them and sent the cards etc too.

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  5. The only problem with banning Winnie The Pooh, dispicable though he is, is that you will no longer be able to walk up to soppy parents who have forced cruddy clothing upon their children and say really loudly, "Oh, your baby has pooh all over their hat/ t shirt/ coat/ blanket. And really that is one of the few pleasures left in life.

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  6. I think the only exception to the no-bears-on-clothing rule has to be Paddington, He rocks.

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  7. Title of your blog says it all!

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  8. Yay! A kindred spirit. My favourite (no irony here) was the 'bear suit' that my friend kept saying she would pass onto me - I was dreading it, but LO! It had actual bears (like you first pic) on it and no barf inducing 'cute' bears. Even worse, though are the childless ADULTS that like these bears - usually the bear is holding a little heart that says 'i love you' on it or some other phoney sentimental crap. Eugh.

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  9. No Rupert? Those ghastly checked trousers and that theme song? (Now try getting it out of your head :-)).

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  10. Good Reviews.But I have to much collections of rock baby clothes.If you want to purchase it.you can ask me

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  11. I think you are in a pretty dark place. Especially tatty bear. Did he really deserve that much domestic abuse from you? Pass the Seroxat because this tinsel is useless for hanging myself with. Oh and with regards to Paddington, this is a very prescient tale about racism and immigration in our country today, read the book again and simply change the words Bear and Paddington to Immigrant and suddenly the taxi driver scene takes on a whole new dark meaning.

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  12. I'm so glad SuperTed doesn't make an appearance here. Might have been the end for us ;)

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  13. As a 36 year old woman last year I was sent a tatty teddy helium balloon by a man I was dating. A real life grown up human. Naturally I stabbed it with a pen and threw it in the bin and stopped seeing him shortly after. We then received a tatty teddy card and branded bear at work last week to apologise for poor service...I am waiting for the apology for sending a business tatty bear merchandise!! What's wrong with wine all of a sudden?!

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