But it turned out that pregnancy related humiliation lurked in the most unlikely of places. Here are my top 5:
You might want some backing music for the countdown:
5. Having an enormous, screaming contraction at a red light on the way to the hospital. All I remember (apart from seemingly unending agony, obviously), is the horror of the driver in the car next to us whose view was of me with my face pressed against the window, mouth twisted into a silent scream as I clawed against the glass with my fingernails and Richard tried frantically to make "it's OK, I'm not killing her, she's in labour" gestures at him (quite difficult to put across in mime, as it happens).
4. I hemorrhaged quite badly after having Rory, although wasn't aware of it at the time as I was so out of it. Possibly because half my blood was on the floor, now I mention it. Several hours later, I was lying in a hospital bed looking the colour of porridge and feeling like complete shit. My parents were visiting and as my epidural had worn off, I thought I'd better attempt to get up and go to the toilet while there were people there to help me stand. I stood up, immediately felt like I was going to fade away there and then, but before I could get back on the bed, something akin to a waterfall of blood spurted out of me and all over the floor. "Um, Rich, could you pass me a baby wipe? Only there's a bit of blood on the floor" I said, in a far away voice, despite the fact that I was actually paddling in the stuff. My dad went green. Bleeding profusely and uncontrollably from the vagina in front of your father: the wonders of childbirth. "Nurse to bay 5 please. One with a big mop and bucket, if you will."
3. Approximately 3 or 4 weeks into starting my new job, I had to have this conversation with my boss:
"So, turns out I'm pregnant. Hahahaha. That was unexpected, right? Wasn't supposed to be able to do that, you know. Anyway, it doesn't matter because I've been told by my specialist that I won't be able to carry a baby past 12 weeks, and I'll probably miscarry a lot sooner than that actually, so if you'll just be aware that I might need to leave work in a hurry at some point over the next few weeks and then I'll need a couple of days off after the miscarriage..."
About 10 weeks later, after being in and out of hospital with bleeding, off work for emergency scans and spending most of the time that I was actually in work retching into a carrier bag in my cupboard, I then had to have the following conversation:
"OK, I've got past 12 weeks. Who knew that could happen, eh? So, um, looks like I might be needing some of that maternity pay stuff at some point"...*retch*...*heave*..."sorry about that..."
Never have I been less popular at work.
Do not be fooled. Inside this mild mannered looking pregnant lady lurks a screaming, bleeding, Jaffa Cake vomiting, piss sprinkling employee in disgrace.