Monday, 30 September 2013

Things causing my hackles to rise today #1: Overly twee shower gel

I am particularly easily wound up today and it's not even 10am yet.  There's going to be a rant #2 later - that's how irritated and grumpy I am.

This is what hacked me off as I strolled around Waitrose earlier: (wait, lets take a moment here to roll our eyes at what a cliched yummy mummy I have become; strolling around Waitrose indeed).

Overly Twee Shower Gel.  Now, I've probably just got PMT or something, but it sent me into a near murderous rage.  This is why:

1. I do not want to be instructed to do anything by my shower gel.

2. I'm supposed to take a slice of mango and make a sunny day.  This is not actually possible.  I could take a slice of mango and pretend it's a sunny day: one in which I am eating mango.  But I would still be in Cheshire, where it rains all the time.  Also, I am feeling a bit panicky about where I'm going to take the slice of mango from.  The fruit and veg section of Waitrose, I'm guessing.  Which is a bit...shoplifty?  Also, just the one slice?  What's going to happen to the rest of the mango? Are we now expected to take knives into Waitrose so we can shoplift a perfect sliver of mango in order to conjure up a sunny day?

3. "Be funny".  Are you kidding me?  No pressure or anything, just BE FUNNY.  What if you're not funny? Or what if you are funny but having a bad day?  This makes me think of when friends introduce me to someone.  "This is Lisa. She's really funny", they say, eyes desperately imploring me to say something funny to prove them right.  I'm not really funny, I'm just unfortunate and tell a good story, OK shower gel?  With a less positive spin, I'd be tragic.  Stupid mango shower gel, forcing me to trivialize my problems in the name of humour.

4. "Be funny...paint some freckles on your teddy."  Well, first of all, I think I'd have been tempted to use a semicolon there instead of an ellipsis, but even more provoking is the pointless instruction to paint freckles on a teddy.  First of all, that's going to be difficult as teddy bears are furry, and I don't think fur and paint is going to work, especially if one is painting such fine details as freckles.  But also, who decided that painting freckles on a teddy is the definition of funny?  At best it is...baffling and infantile, perhaps? (Note better use of an ellipsis).
5. Somebody got paid to write that drivel.  I am bitter: I also write drivel and I bet they get paid more than me.

6. Not only did somebody get paid to write it, lots of people higher up in the company must have thought it was good, felt that it summed up their brand and approved it.  This makes me want to weep.

7. Nowhere on the bottle does it warn you that it smells like the collective morning after vomit of a Taboo drinking hen party.  Wait, can you still buy Taboo or is that a 90s reference that anyone under the age of 30 won't get?

8. This bottle is just one in a whole range of shower gel with this cutesy, pointless nonsense printed on the bottles (the range also includes: "Strawberry Sundae: A Very Wild Shower Gel", which tells us that "the strawberry and the buttercup met in the garden and fell in love. That's sweet" Uhuh. Not to mention NAUSEATING AND SOMETHING THAT COULD NOT HAPPEN, EVER).  And this range is just one in a sea of shower gel making companies which insist on writing nonsense on their packaging.  Stop it.  All of you.  Or at the very least, pay me to do it instead.

I'll be back later with rant #2, which is about bears again.  Bloody bears.


  1. sorry your in a lousy mood but thank you for making me laugh :)

  2. I must secretly be a boy because when I read - There's going to be a #2 later - all I could think of was toilet humour. Oh god. Monday mornings

    1. Yes. You are a boy and you are 12. But I secretly thought the same thing when I wrote it.

  3. Another reason why I prefer shopping at Aldi! ;)

  4. hahaha! This made me laugh!!
    Yes you can still buy Taboo....Bork! I don't like it because of one drunken night many years

  5. Can confirm, am under 30 and have drunk Taboo.

  6. Came to you via Mumsnet, because this brand drives me bonkers! Whimsy, whimsy, nonsensical flibbertigibbety whimsy, to pull in those suckers who are drawn by this faux cutesy burble. It was Innocent wot started it, and now this cynically created guff is everywhere. Meh.
    Don't forget Mirage. Far classier.

  7. Reading wonky english cooking instruction on imported asian packet curries are always good for a giggle. It was a pong filled day when 'Impulse' spray became a popular birthday gift for my daughters. If you imagine a long hot car ride with a freshly exited and sprayed toilet? You've just about hit the freshness on the head. It too comes with seductive clever names like: Paris! Ooh la la.