Friday, 19 July 2013

The Time Has Come to Say Goodnight...

To many people, the above is just a blog post title.  To any UK parents of children under the age of 5, it will instantly evoke the feeling of knowing that you can have a glass of wine really really soon combined with wanting to punch Alex Winters hard in the nadgers.

To clarify with those of you who don't have small children, this is what I'm talking about:


The CBeebies bedtime song, which comes on every evening at 7pm just after Macca Pacca has finished washing his stones and Iggle Piggle has run amok with his blanket. ("Somebody's not in bed.  Who's not in bed? Iggle Piggle's not in bed."  WHERE ARE IGGLE PIGGLE'S PARENTS?  Will somebody just put the disobedient little scrote in bed in the style of Supernanny until he learns to stay there).

Sung by Alex and Cerrie, this song has been the soundtrack to my insanity as a stay at home mum for the past four years.  I would like to know if anybody genuinely likes it.  is there anybody out there who genuinely thinks 'ahhh, yes, we had a lovely day, here's to another one tomorrow' as they put their toddler to bed safe in the knowledge that it won't wake up until a sensible time in the morning?

Because here's how it goes for me: (lyrics in black, my thoughts in red)

The time has come to say goodnight (THANK F*CK)
To say sleep tight 'til the morning light (Why isn't your father home yet?)
The time has come to say goodnight (He'd better have a seriously good excuse, or at the very least, a Big Mac)
it's the end of a lovely day. (It's the end of another monotonous day full of whining. Jesus).
The time has come to say goodnight (I want a gin)
To say sleep tight 'til the morning light (PWAHAHAHAHA, AS IF I'M NOT GOING TO BE UP AT HALF PAST BASTARD BECAUSE THERE'S A FLY IN YOUR ROOM/YOU CAN'T SLEEP/YOU'RE JUST AWAKE AND BEING A PAIN IN THE ARSE)
The time has come to say goodnight (It's not acceptable to have a G&T whilst bathing your child, is it?)
it's the end of a lovely day. (Whatever)

We've had so much fun today (I think you'll find what we've actually done today is walk to the One Stop Shop and back in the rain, which took 2 hours instead of 20 minutes because you were pratting about and insisting on examining every stone and throwing a wobbly because a snail looked at you funny, followed by watching telly, and a fun period of time during which you decided to draw on the walls, spread food everywhere and do some generalized whinging while I cleaned it up.  It's also quite probable that I had to rescue you from peril at some point because you climbed something hazardous. Plus I mopped up a reservoir of piss, did the washing up, cleaned the bathroom, sang nursery rhymes and read every Thomas the Tank Engine book ever written. We could have done the educational and fun art activity that took me ages to set up for you, but noooooo, you took one look at it and screamed.  You're right, we had so much fun today).
Tomorrow's just a dream away (It's not so much that I want death to take me in the night, but if tomorrow could be substantially further than just a dream away so I could recover and get some proper sleep for once, that would be nice)
But now it's time to say goodnight at the end of a lovely day. (And you, Cerrie, are getting right on my tits).

Or, at least, that's how it went for me for about three years.  Rory starts big school in September, and suddenly the Bedtime Song has started to take on more significance.  Because by the time your child is 3 or so, you suddenly find that you are having a lovely day, and you don't really want it to end (the lovely day or, in fact, them being at home with you all the time, because in a cruel twist, the pain in the butt dictator you'd happily have handed over to someone else for the first couple of years of their life has turned into an absolute delight.  Now when the Bedtime Song comes on, I don't find myself desperately craving alcohol.  I find myself sobbing and snuffling quietly and I cuddle my boy and smell his hair because it's breaking my heart that I'm going to have to let him go in a few weeks.

To preserve my dignity, I took the decision to never to have CBeebies on at Bedtime Song time again.  Instead, I've defected to Nick Jr, where they have a song called The Jimmer Jammer Song instead.  What a load of shite.  Seriously - WTF is that all about?  It's distracted me nicely from my misery by giving me something else to be enrageded by, so comes highly recommended to those of you who may be feeling similarly afflicted at the moment:

13 comments:

  1. I was thinking of the god-awful jimmer jammers song as I was reading your blog and then you mentioned it! Sticks in your head and won't leave. Also how badly sung? Grrrrrrr....

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    1. And it goes on forever! STOP SINGING! JUST STOP SINGING.

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  2. I think Iggle Piggle is lucky not to have parents - after all the only parents in the Night Garden, Mr and Mrs Pontypine, are TERRIBLE parents. How many times has the phrase "Mr and Mrs Pontypine have to go home without the children again" been part of the narration? They let them ride on top of the bus AND feed them grey stodge whilst eating ice cream sundaes themselves. Lucky abandoned/orphaned Iggle Piggle

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  3. Wow, can't believe they are still showing that c**p that is the Jimmer Jammer song! I had to endure that years ago (my boys are now 11 and 13) and can't believe they are still showing it after all these years. Both are nauseating and should have a health warning before they show them: 'Are your sick buckets at the ready?'

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  4. hahaha! I thank some higher power that my little one seems to have lost interest in the weirdy night garden crowd and found peppa pig (who I adore). That song still pops into my head sometimes though grrr!

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  5. Ha ha this is brilliant! We had to endure years of 'that' song, and we also defected to 'the other side' with jammer jammers song. Endless hours of Ben and Holly, Peppa Pig and Fireman Sam too. Sometimes I miss my children being younger but then I read posts like this and there are definitely some things I don't miss. Thanks for making me smile :-)

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  6. I hate the jimmer jammer song. However it seems to have been replaced by the incessantly cheery go go go group who I just want to punch for being far too cheery. Id choose jimmer jammers over them any day.

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  7. Do you remember this one? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fkh_SY2P9o4 Multi-coloured otters having a singsong. At least they're quite cute!

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    1. Noooo. What fresh hell is this? I've never come across that particular piece of lyrical genius before.

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  8. Hilarious!! I've just cried laughing. I feel your pain. :)

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  9. haha! I love this SO much. Your version really made me laugh x

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  10. Oh I love your blog! This made me laugh so hard coca cola came out of my nose. You also made watching mister maker a whole lot more fun ;-)
    Have you ever watched Justin and his many alter egos from the perspective that he has some form of multiple personality disorder? Makes it much more bearable and funnier. Tiny tumble? Uh oh, Justin has had another psychotic break!!!

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    1. I've never thought of Justin and all his alter egos being like a personality disorder, but now you've said it, I think you've improved Something Special watching experience by about 50%.

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