To clarify with those of you who don't have small children, this is what I'm talking about:
The CBeebies bedtime song, which comes on every evening at 7pm just after Macca Pacca has finished washing his stones and Iggle Piggle has run amok with his blanket. ("Somebody's not in bed. Who's not in bed? Iggle Piggle's not in bed." WHERE ARE IGGLE PIGGLE'S PARENTS? Will somebody just put the disobedient little scrote in bed in the style of Supernanny until he learns to stay there).
Sung by Alex and Cerrie, this song has been the soundtrack to my insanity as a stay at home mum for the past four years. I would like to know if anybody genuinely likes it. is there anybody out there who genuinely thinks 'ahhh, yes, we had a lovely day, here's to another one tomorrow' as they put their toddler to bed safe in the knowledge that it won't wake up until a sensible time in the morning?
Because here's how it goes for me: (lyrics in black, my thoughts in red)
The time has come to say goodnight (THANK F*CK)
To say sleep tight 'til the morning light (Why isn't your father home yet?)The time has come to say goodnight (He'd better have a seriously good excuse, or at the very least, a Big Mac)
it's the end of a lovely day. (It's the end of another monotonous day full of whining. Jesus).
The time has come to say goodnight (I want a gin)
To say sleep tight 'til the morning light (PWAHAHAHAHA, AS IF I'M NOT GOING TO BE UP AT HALF PAST BASTARD BECAUSE THERE'S A FLY IN YOUR ROOM/YOU CAN'T SLEEP/YOU'RE JUST AWAKE AND BEING A PAIN IN THE ARSE)The time has come to say goodnight (It's not acceptable to have a G&T whilst bathing your child, is it?)
it's the end of a lovely day. (Whatever)
We've had so much fun today (I think you'll find what we've actually done today is walk to the One Stop Shop and back in the rain, which took 2 hours instead of 20 minutes because you were pratting about and insisting on examining every stone and throwing a wobbly because a snail looked at you funny, followed by watching telly, and a fun period of time during which you decided to draw on the walls, spread food everywhere and do some generalized whinging while I cleaned it up. It's also quite probable that I had to rescue you from peril at some point because you climbed something hazardous. Plus I mopped up a reservoir of piss, did the washing up, cleaned the bathroom, sang nursery rhymes and read every Thomas the Tank Engine book ever written. We could have done the educational and fun art activity that took me ages to set up for you, but noooooo, you took one look at it and screamed. You're right, we had so much fun today).
Tomorrow's just a dream away (It's not so much that I want death to take me in the night, but if tomorrow could be substantially further than just a dream away so I could recover and get some proper sleep for once, that would be nice)
But now it's time to say goodnight at the end of a lovely day. (And you, Cerrie, are getting right on my tits).
Or, at least, that's how it went for me for about three years. Rory starts big school in September, and suddenly the Bedtime Song has started to take on more significance. Because by the time your child is 3 or so, you suddenly find that you are having a lovely day, and you don't really want it to end (the lovely day or, in fact, them being at home with you all the time, because in a cruel twist, the pain in the butt dictator you'd happily have handed over to someone else for the first couple of years of their life has turned into an absolute delight. Now when the Bedtime Song comes on, I don't find myself desperately craving alcohol. I find myself sobbing and snuffling quietly and I cuddle my boy and smell his hair because it's breaking my heart that I'm going to have to let him go in a few weeks.
To preserve my dignity, I took the decision to never to have CBeebies on at Bedtime Song time again. Instead, I've defected to Nick Jr, where they have a song called The Jimmer Jammer Song instead. What a load of shite. Seriously - WTF is that all about? It's distracted me nicely from my misery by giving me something else to be enrageded by, so comes highly recommended to those of you who may be feeling similarly afflicted at the moment: