Wednesday, 6 March 2013

The bears have invaded the highstreet again.

Rich and I were in Tesco the other day when we remembered that Mother's Day is looming.  We made our way over to the display of Mother's Day cards where our eyes were assaulted by an unholy amount of Barbie sick pink, with a little bit of lilac thrown in for good measure.

As we poked through the cards looking for non-pink ones, we became aware that they fell into two categories and two categories alone:

1. Ones with drawings of flowers on the front, usually seen on 'Happy Birthday Grandma' cards.  Obligatory  nauseating piece of Vogon poetry inside.

2. Ones with annoying, twee little bears clutching flower posies and generally needing a slap on the front. Often with a crap pun like "to a beary special mummy" to add to the misery.

There were no other types.  If you're a mother, you are obviously supposed to chuck in all your former tastes and like either flowers and rubbish poems or cutesy bears and bunnies.  And pink.  Lets not forget the pink.

Right.  (3...2...1...) I DON'T WANT A CARD WITH A BEAR ON THE FRONT.  I don't like bears.  Well, the proper ones who live in the wild are OK, but teddy bears or any other form of cute cuddly toy can piss off.  Seriously, why oh why have the greetings card industry decided that cute bears appeal to mums?  Mothers, by definition, are of child bearing age.  We are grown women, not 6 year old girls.  I wasn't even that keen on drawings of fluffy little creatures when I was a 6 year old girl, so why am I being subjected to them at the age of 34?

While we're at it, I don't want a teddy clutching a heart on Valentines Day (seriously, who does?), I don't want a china figurine of one on my mantlepiece (or any china figurine at all come to think of it), and I especially don't want Winnie the Pooh or any of the other inhabitants of the Hundred Acre Wood on my night attire.  The only place for a doe eyed soft toy or any depiction of such an item is in my 3 year old's bedroom, and even then I have my limits.  I am not a teddy bear person.  Anybody who even vaguely knows me can tell.  I suspect you can even tell just by looking.  If I was held at gunpoint and forced to choose a fluffy creature to represent me, it would be a spiky, pissed off badger or something similarly badass.  Maybe even a disgruntled honey badger or an angry polecat.  I don't see any cards with them on.

Men only have it slightly better.  Come Father's Day, cards are plastered with pictures of beer, football or paintings of ships sailing into the mist.  Mind you, I'd happily take any one of those choices over effeminate bears looking wistfully at me.

While we're at it, what is all this "Best Mum in the World" business about?  It's plastered all over the cards in a most optimistic fashion.  It goes without saying that I am not the best mum in the world. I'm not even in the top 500.  I would like to campaign for a more realistic selection of slogans on Mother's Day Cards.  Such as "Nice try" or "Well done for not saying any swear words within my earshot, Mummy" or "Top job - you got me to school on time every day and still managed to put your mascara on".

Please please please say that it's not just me who feels this way.  Can I get a "hear, hear"?  If so, shun the pink and the cutesy creatures and make your own cards.  Bonus points if you get an angry badger on the front of yours.

Of course, should Rory ever happen to make me a pink card with a sprig of flowers and a drawing of a wide eyed woodland creature on the front, I would adore it.  Anything that my child makes himself is precious to me.  He could fart The Only Way Is Up into a penny whistle and I'd think it was wonderful because he's mine and he's brilliant.  If, however, he ever purchases such a card from Clintons, a little part of me will die inside.



17 comments:

  1. Hear hear!! Yes to all of this post!

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  2. Hear hear! Just bring chocolates and wine and the kids can scribble me a homemade card. That's all I ask. I don't need any chintz, nor giant 'BEST MUM' mugs, or stiletto moneyboxes. Fresh flowers die - I'd rather have a hyacinth in a pot. I don't even buy teddies or Disney crap for my kids, so please please please don't buy ME any.

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  3. wht i always wanted for mothers day (which actually has nothing to do with mothers - it is mothering sunday, when you go back to your mother church, the one you grew up in, and reunite with your family and childhood friends for worship. your mother would naturally have gone to *her* childhood church, which might not be the same one...)
    (and breathe)
    ... was for the household chores to be done without having to have an argument about "but i'm not washing up that plate, i didn't use that plate" or "oh yeah, i've got swimming class tomorrow but my kit's still in the smelly bag i dumped in the hallway after last week's swimming class" or "but it's not my turn to XYZ" etc...

    i never wanted, and never want, a cutesy bought card.
    home made cards by kids are awesome, of course.

    oh, and breakfast in bed - hell, a cup of tea in bed - would have been lovely, too.

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    1. Yes yes yes indeed. A bit of a lie in, a card made by my boy and someone else cooking for the day. That would do me nicely.

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  4. hear hear!! Reading this reminded me to visit a famous online greetings card company because as usual i forgot to do anything in advance but I'm still in time for their services. All the mothers day card bar one were the most pink, vomit inducing, sexist rubbish (how many cards had pictures of mums cooking and ironing on them?) imaginable. I went for that one that wasn't sickly, it had somethign on the front about mum's being like a vending machine at the station of life, a provider of free stuff :)

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  5. Oh sodding blogger ate my comment... feck.

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  6. Hear Hear!! Could I have a card on with a glass of wine on the front and with a slice of cake would be a bonus! - followed of course by the real thing :-)

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  7. Honey Badger Mothers Day cards - I bet the Top Gear lads could come up with something along those lines...poetry by Jeremy Clarkson...now there could be a successful concept!

    Helenxx

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    1. I'd buy a card with some Jeremy Clarkson poetry in it.

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  8. Hear hear!
    I don't mind teddies but I detest the flowers. The only flowers I find acceptable are sunflowers in my garden.
    Why would I want flowers?
    'Here is a lovely pretty thing. Put it on the table and slowly watch it wither like your rules on mcdonalds and bedtimes'

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    1. Rory proudly presented me with a bunch of daffodils the other week. "Here Mummy, these are for you because I LOVE you" he said. "When will they die?" Lovely.

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  9. I got a lovely flower card saying "you are the best mum love Isla".

    Trouble is, my son's name is Jack. Apparently when the bell went at school the kids all grabbed a card and legged it. Despite the teachers best efforts to retrieve the cards, bedlam ensued and a best efforts basis was achieved. I'm happy enough, Isla is a much better drawer than my pen shy son.

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    1. You have definitely got a good deal there.

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  10. Lovely articles - as always

    Spare a thought also for those with kids who are phobic about vomit and have to ensure kids "cooking"

    You would be amazed how common this phobia is

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  11. Now I am 33 I find buying Mothers day card an emotionally conflicting job, I could not be so disingenuous to present her with a card saying Best Mother in the World. When I was a child I was naive enough to think she was the best thing since peanut butter on sliced apple. Now I am an adult I think Freud could spend a life time analysing my relationship with her.

    I think Mothers day could be used to give your defective parental unit performance feedback with an appropriately designed card to allow the offspring to appraise their yearly parental performance.

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  12. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  13. Please can you teach Rory to fart The Only Way Is Up on a penny whistle.

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