Wednesday, 9 January 2013

January Confessions

Time to purge my soul.

1. I sometimes wear my PE kit to drop Rory off at preschool on the pretence that I'm off for a run afterwards.  This is not the case.  It actually serves two purposes: 1. I don't have to wash my hair or put make-up on if I pretend I'm working out later.  2. It makes me look far less conspicuous when I sprint home as fast as I can in order to maximize my child free time at home.

2. Every time Mr Tumble mentions his spotty bag I pretend he's talking about his scrotum for my own amusement.

3. I found a used pull-up behind a curtain yesterday.  It had almost definitely been there since before Christmas.

4. Speaking of which, I actually get jealous of the vast piles of presents my child gets at Christmas.  Yes, well done Father Christmas, jolly good haul for the boy this year. Now where are all my presents, motherfucker?

5. Am also a bit jealous that Rory gets shoes bought for him every 4-6 months.

6. I used one of the three wise men from my knitted nativity scene to dust the fireplace last week.

7. There was no child friendly food left for Rory's packed lunch box on the first day back at preschool because I'd eaten all the Babybels.

8. I forgot to wash my son's hair for 2 full weeks.  Well, not so much 'forgot to' as just...'didn't'.

9. I made an underwater Lego scene with whales and fish and things.  I pretended it was for Rory's pleasure, but actually it was so my husband would think I was cool and fancy me more.

10. I had a Very Wrong Dream about Tom Jones last night.  This has nothing to do with parenting or housewifery, I just wanted to put it out there.


Your turn.


19 comments:

  1. I turned the baby monitor off this morning because Emily had woken up and I wanted another 10 minutes before she was PROPERLY awake. Well, I figured she was only next door, was entertained enough babbling away to her fingers and I'd hear her if she started crying!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Can't remember when I last washed my son's hair. The fallout is huge and I don't have the energy (new baby too).

    ReplyDelete
  3. Brilliant. Now I feel much better about, well, pretty much everything.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh, and my confession: whenever my kids see me drinking anything (glass of water, cup of tea, bottle of juice) they yell 'Mama's wine!'

    Make of that what you will.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have had erotic dreams about Richard Madeley. I'll get me coat ...

    ReplyDelete
  6. The PE kit is sheer genius!!!! I will use that lots.

    I leave work 30 minutes earlier than I should in order to get home to watch Neighbours on the planner with my feet up before picking up my son from nursery! the fees are pricey and the down time SO indulgent and welcome!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Not really my confession, but it happened in my house. New years... child friendly party... my friend (in the kitchen) mentioned something about Jager. Her daughter (in the living room) giggled: "jager... hehehehe... mummy's an alcoholic!" Cue my sister and I falling about laughing like loons.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I mute Mr Tumble if its only being half watched by son, it justifies my feelings of hate towards him watching him being slimey *shudders* try it, you'll instantly know what I mean! Xx

    ReplyDelete
  9. lol i absolutely love this post it really made me chuckle!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I play with my children's lego when they're in bed and feel sad when they destroy my creations in the morning.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I sometimes "arrange" (play with) my kids' dollhouses while they're asleep and it is very enjoyable.

    ReplyDelete
  12. A lady after my own heart, I feel the same on Xmas day.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I lie to the OH when gets comes home and the house is a shit tip. I say the baby wouldn't go down when really he's been asleep in buggy for 2 hours.

    I sponge dirty marks off school trousers when I've forgotten to wash them.

    My standard reponse to my tardiness is 'just had to change the worse nappy ever' which is always a lie.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I lie to the OH when gets comes home and the house is a shit tip. I say the baby wouldn't go down when really he's been asleep in buggy for 2 hours.

    I sponge dirty marks off school trousers when I've forgotten to wash them.

    My standard reponse to my tardiness is 'just had to change the worse nappy ever' which is always a lie.

    ReplyDelete
  15. OK. My kids hardly ever brush their teeth in the mornings. They're baby teeth. They're gonna fall out anyway ...

    I have unspeakable dreams about Chris from Doodle Do. Or as I say, Doodle Do It With Me.

    I often break into the kids piggy banks. I also ate quite a few of the toddler's advent calendar choccies. Let's be honest, she didn't get the concept at all, so it was easy to refer her to a different date.

    Lisa Joli - we'll both get our coats ...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love Chris from Doodle Do. Why do they not show that any more? He used to keep me going with his sexiness and mocking of toddlers.

      Delete
  16. This is the absolute best thing I have read in ages. Just brilliant.

    I am all about the getting home as fast as you can to maximize child free time. BUT, my husband works at home so I feel much to guilty to sit at home with the TV on, so I go to a coffeehouse and eat something I shouldn't and spend hours on Pinterest.

    And #4, yes, yes. yes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is genius. Must remember that tip for husband working from home days.

      Delete
  17. Brilliant, just brilliant. Although: Justin's scrotum? Shame on you. My personal guilty secret is getting the vacuum cleaner out and spraying the house with air freshener just before DH comes home from work, to make him think I was interrupted in the middle of cleaning, when in fact I've been sitting on my arse all day, looking at Twitter.

    ReplyDelete