Tuesday, 18 September 2012

Listography: Top 5 Truths according to women (well, me).

I don't usually join in with Linky things (memories here of my mum shaking her head and whispering "she's not a joiner" to my nursery school teacher), but this one gives me the chance to create my own Manifesto of Great Truths.  Self indulgent.  Satisfying.  Lets do this thing:

1. The day after you finally bite the bullet and deep clean your bathroom, someone will puke in it.  Solution: don't bother.

2.  You can tell a lot about a man by looking at his feet.  Horrible, scruffy, cheap shoes which are falling apart suggest a complete lack of self care and a potential aversion to personal hygiene.  I don't want to be involved with anybody who can't look after themselves, thankyou.  This has nothing to do with only finding fashionably attired men attractive - it's all about the lack of self respect.  On the other side of the coin, any bizarre fashion victim-y footwear points to a self obsessed peacock who also requires your avoidance.  And freakishly long, skinny feet are CREEPY AS HELL AND YOU SHOULD RUN AWAY IMMEDIATELY.  

3.  Don't be a smug parent.  The very second after you say something smug about your child, they will prove you wrong in the most horrible and publicly humiliating way possible.

4.  Eating healthily, drinking 8 glasses of water a day, abstaining from chocolate and going for a run every other morning makes you look and feel amazing.  Finding the motivation to eat healthily, drink 8 glasses of water per day, abstain from chocolate and go for a run every other morning and stick to it for more than a fortnight is impossible unless you a) have an eating disorder or b) don't actually like food.

5.  Pre baby, it is perfectly possible to live a life of glorious harmony with your partner.  Within a few months of giving birth, you will both be masses of seething resentment, and you will have made up an offensive song about them which you sing whenever they leave the house after pissing you off (possibly to the baby - it can't talk yet after all).  Mine is called 'Richard You're a Wanker' and is to the tune of 'Rhythm is a Dancer'.  I am fully aware that he's probably made one up about me too.  I'm fine with that. Whatever keeps the homicidal tendencies at bay.


Do you have any great truths you'd like to share with the world?  Or do you just want to read some more?  Link up with Kate to join it.

20 comments:

  1. I have your song in my head now....! Can't believe I never made one up, I'll work on it!

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    1. Oh, you NEED a song. It makes you feel so much better. devote tomorrow morning to writing it.

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  2. Lise, I am SO writing a song for Steve now. WHY had this never occurred to me before? I have songs for everything, including the one that prompts Skwoo-catten to do a poo, but I don't have an offensive 'you've pissed me off' song. I simply must rectify this.

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  3. I get to make up a song about my hubby! Can't wait! (Very funny stuff! I'm in good company here!) Actually, I used part of a song in my Top 5 Truths... blog post. I think it fits--or at least I tried!

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  4. I need a song *rushes to MP3 player for inspiration*

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  5. Yes, I need a song too. How is it that I don't have a song yet? Will work on it.

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  6. Well, off to write a song (and feel self conscious about my creepy long skinny feet. But hey, I never fall over!)

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  7. I cannot believe I don't have a song about my husband - that will have to be rectified! Really like your blog by the way - love the Motherhood Airbrushed post.

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  8. OMFG I love your song! Must think up one of my own!

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  9. Got it! You are a twat like Jagger... Not you obviously, Actually Daddy. Jeesh I feel better for that!

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  10. Love iiiiiit!

    If anyone else is stuck for a song, feel free to use Smooth Criminal, which is my back-up song for such situations (Richard you're a wanker, Richard you're a wanker. You're a wanker Richard).

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  11. Found your blog from Kate's List of Truths - Loved yours. Pleased to have stumbled across you. Your Blog Title is very like mine. Chronicles of Domestic Disaster.I am off to trawl through your back posts as I could do with a laugh (manning the sick bucket today!)
    Have not got song yet - must find one - although just my singing probably offensive enough without words - So Hum Ti Tum Ti - D**K Head - will do for now.

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    1. I need to read your blog SO BADLY. Have to pick up Small boy from pre-school in a minute but will have a good read later when he's in bed.

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  12. I thought I better let you know that have stolen your song. Kristian \ Richard same same.

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  13. Haha - need a song, Anthony's not an easy one but there must be something it sounds very cathartic! x

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  14. And another thing about number four - that regime will not extend your life. It will, however, seem like it.

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