1. Mr Tumble. OK, not Mr Tumble. More succinctly, the child's voice which talks to Mr Tumble. Not Justin (love Justin), not Grandad Tumble (hero of our time), not any character from Gigglebiz (especially not Keith Fit - I am particularly fond of him and his "perl verlting" escapades), just the disembodied child's voice please: "Hello Mr Tumb..." *PUNCH* *silence* *you sign 'silence'*
2. Muffin off Third & Bird. Never has a cartoon character been known to incite so much rage from my father. He was first introduced to Muffin a couple of years ago during the episode in which she gets stranded on a lily pad on a lake. Don't pretend you don't know which episode I'm talking about - you've seen them all about 6 times each and you know it. His face fell further with every passing second and he was finally provoked into shrieking "For the love of CHRIST, will somebody just let her drown." "Muffin needs snuffin'" is now his catchphrase.
3. Katy Ashworth from I Can Cook. Dear God. "Mmmmm, banana and spinach risotto. *fake giggle* Now doesn't that look yummy?" No Katy, it does not, now do cock off, there's a good girl. *sound of guitar being shoved up arse*
4. Milkshake Monkey. Knobber.
5. All the baddies off Numberjacks AND whoever came up with the concept. Spooky Spoon? Who the hell thinks giving a spoon a South African accent and making it terrifying to toddlers is a good idea? My son still has us make sure that Spooky Spoon isn't lurking outside his window every night. Also, every single 'actor' in it who has been asked to do a surprised face when something goes wrong. A slap for you, and you and you.
6. The person who wrote the theme tune from Hana's Helpline. "Moo Baa, double quack double quack." *BOSH*
7. Cerrie off CBeebies. When she first joined there was much controversy from bigoted idiot parents who complained because she only had one arm. (I know! Could not believe it - set of fools). Frankly, they missed the real point - which is that she's an appalling, patronising, simpering presenter who does a particularly shoddy line in stereotypical expressions such as 'the shocked face'. There's something to complain about, right there.
8. Likewise, Alex. I feel bad about this one - partly because my friend met him a couple of years ago and said he was lovely and had a really nice wife and was a proper family man type, but also because he always looks like he's about to burst into tears. Another friend once said that he looks like exactly the type to suddenly pull a shotgun out of his pocket in the middle of reading the birthday cards out and go on a long suppressed homicide spree. I try very hard to like him, but yeah, he does kind of look like that.
9. Thomas the Tank Engine. Peep peep. Knob off ,Thomas.
10. The inhabitants of Balamory. The only thing that makes this bearable is to sing "I'm PC Plum and I take it up the bum" whenever PC Plum comes on screen (Cannot take credit for this myself - my friend Claire came up with that one - also "with my magnifying glass, I shove it up my ass" for the second line). You know what needs to happen with Balamory? You know the storyline Emmerdale did years ago with the plane crash and the mass cast cull? That.
11. Baby Jake. Just....WHY? Horrid, freaky little.....Plus nothing ever happens. NOTHING. HAPPENS. As a teacher, I spent a stupid amount of time trying to drum into my pupils that stories need a beginning, a middle and an end; clearly a concept that bypassed the creators of this atrocity. Apparently there is a second series of this fatuous nonsense. Yes, because the first series left many a plot based question unanswered. Such as WHAT IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD HAPPENS, EVER? (Answer: Nothing). I've finished now.
12. Mister Maker. With a hairbrush on his naked backside. *THWACK" yeah, you love it.
13. Granny Murray from Me Too. Fortunately I haven't had to watch this for a good long time. It was always on at half past GO THE FUCK BACK TO SLEEP on CBeebies (AKA the graveyard slot - possibly around 6am). I'd lie there with a wide awake Rory bouncing all over my poor exhausted body and wish a plague of killer wasps on Granny Murray and that lot from Tikkabilla.
14. Bella from The Tweenies. The girl everyone secretly hated at school but had to be nice to because she was such a bitch. SMACK.
15. (this entry from my husband, shouting suggestions from upstairs): "EVERYTHING'S ROSIE. ALL OF THE BASTARDS." I quite agree.
16. Rastamouse. Prick.
17. Those two bell-ends from Big Cook, Little Cook. They make me feel dirty, and not in a good way, and they lead to debates about which one you'd sleep with if you had to because otherwise the world would end. "The world would have to end" is the only possible response here. Sorry world, but I have some standards.
18. Peppa Pig. I like a bit of Peppa Pig (SNORT), especially Daddy Pig, but Peppa herself is a spoilt brat who I hold solely responsible for Rory's obsession with hurtling into every muddy puddle we happen across.
19. Tree Fu Tom. I hate him. I hate him. I don't even know why I hate him, but I do - oh believe me, I do. I hope his wings fail one day and he gets his bollocks caught on a holly prickle.
20. I have saved the biggest offender until last. She has made my skin crawl for a good 30 years now and shows no intention of stopping. I am convinced that she and (equally annoying) Elaine Paige are one and the same person. I loathe her more than one should ever loathe a panda puppet. Yes, Soo from Sooty, Sweep and Soo, I am talking about you, you obnoxious, prim little....arghhhhh.....am I about to drop the c bomb here and risk angering my mother for ever more?....Am I?....Am I?....I am.......c*nt. Sorry.
And don't even get me started on the presenter. I mean - he's not creepy looking at all is he?
Ahhh, that feels better. Now, share the hatred and let me know who you give the finger to every time they appear on the telly.
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