1. Mr Tumble. OK, not Mr Tumble. More succinctly, the child's voice which talks to Mr Tumble. Not Justin (love Justin), not Grandad Tumble (hero of our time), not any character from Gigglebiz (especially not Keith Fit - I am particularly fond of him and his "perl verlting" escapades), just the disembodied child's voice please: "Hello Mr Tumb..." *PUNCH* *silence* *you sign 'silence'*
2. Muffin off Third & Bird. Never has a cartoon character been known to incite so much rage from my father. He was first introduced to Muffin a couple of years ago during the episode in which she gets stranded on a lily pad on a lake. Don't pretend you don't know which episode I'm talking about - you've seen them all about 6 times each and you know it. His face fell further with every passing second and he was finally provoked into shrieking "For the love of CHRIST, will somebody just let her drown." "Muffin needs snuffin'" is now his catchphrase.
3. Katy Ashworth from I Can Cook. Dear God. "Mmmmm, banana and spinach risotto. *fake giggle* Now doesn't that look yummy?" No Katy, it does not, now do cock off, there's a good girl. *sound of guitar being shoved up arse*
4. Milkshake Monkey. Knobber.
5. All the baddies off Numberjacks AND whoever came up with the concept. Spooky Spoon? Who the hell thinks giving a spoon a South African accent and making it terrifying to toddlers is a good idea? My son still has us make sure that Spooky Spoon isn't lurking outside his window every night. Also, every single 'actor' in it who has been asked to do a surprised face when something goes wrong. A slap for you, and you and you.
6. The person who wrote the theme tune from Hana's Helpline. "Moo Baa, double quack double quack." *BOSH*
7. Cerrie off CBeebies. When she first joined there was much controversy from bigoted idiot parents who complained because she only had one arm. (I know! Could not believe it - set of fools). Frankly, they missed the real point - which is that she's an appalling, patronising, simpering presenter who does a particularly shoddy line in stereotypical expressions such as 'the shocked face'. There's something to complain about, right there.
8. Likewise, Alex. I feel bad about this one - partly because my friend met him a couple of years ago and said he was lovely and had a really nice wife and was a proper family man type, but also because he always looks like he's about to burst into tears. Another friend once said that he looks like exactly the type to suddenly pull a shotgun out of his pocket in the middle of reading the birthday cards out and go on a long suppressed homicide spree. I try very hard to like him, but yeah, he does kind of look like that.
9. Thomas the Tank Engine. Peep peep. Knob off ,Thomas.
10. The inhabitants of Balamory. The only thing that makes this bearable is to sing "I'm PC Plum and I take it up the bum" whenever PC Plum comes on screen (Cannot take credit for this myself - my friend Claire came up with that one - also "with my magnifying glass, I shove it up my ass" for the second line). You know what needs to happen with Balamory? You know the storyline Emmerdale did years ago with the plane crash and the mass cast cull? That.
11. Baby Jake. Just....WHY? Horrid, freaky little.....Plus nothing ever happens. NOTHING. HAPPENS. As a teacher, I spent a stupid amount of time trying to drum into my pupils that stories need a beginning, a middle and an end; clearly a concept that bypassed the creators of this atrocity. Apparently there is a second series of this fatuous nonsense. Yes, because the first series left many a plot based question unanswered. Such as WHAT IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD HAPPENS, EVER? (Answer: Nothing). I've finished now.
12. Mister Maker. With a hairbrush on his naked backside. *THWACK" yeah, you love it.
13. Granny Murray from Me Too. Fortunately I haven't had to watch this for a good long time. It was always on at half past GO THE FUCK BACK TO SLEEP on CBeebies (AKA the graveyard slot - possibly around 6am). I'd lie there with a wide awake Rory bouncing all over my poor exhausted body and wish a plague of killer wasps on Granny Murray and that lot from Tikkabilla.
14. Bella from The Tweenies. The girl everyone secretly hated at school but had to be nice to because she was such a bitch. SMACK.
15. (this entry from my husband, shouting suggestions from upstairs): "EVERYTHING'S ROSIE. ALL OF THE BASTARDS." I quite agree.
16. Rastamouse. Prick.
17. Those two bell-ends from Big Cook, Little Cook. They make me feel dirty, and not in a good way, and they lead to debates about which one you'd sleep with if you had to because otherwise the world would end. "The world would have to end" is the only possible response here. Sorry world, but I have some standards.
18. Peppa Pig. I like a bit of Peppa Pig (SNORT), especially Daddy Pig, but Peppa herself is a spoilt brat who I hold solely responsible for Rory's obsession with hurtling into every muddy puddle we happen across.
19. Tree Fu Tom. I hate him. I hate him. I don't even know why I hate him, but I do - oh believe me, I do. I hope his wings fail one day and he gets his bollocks caught on a holly prickle.
20. I have saved the biggest offender until last. She has made my skin crawl for a good 30 years now and shows no intention of stopping. I am convinced that she and (equally annoying) Elaine Paige are one and the same person. I loathe her more than one should ever loathe a panda puppet. Yes, Soo from Sooty, Sweep and Soo, I am talking about you, you obnoxious, prim little....arghhhhh.....am I about to drop the c bomb here and risk angering my mother for ever more?....Am I?....Am I?....I am.......c*nt. Sorry.
And don't even get me started on the presenter. I mean - he's not creepy looking at all is he?
Ahhh, that feels better. Now, share the hatred and let me know who you give the finger to every time they appear on the telly.
Linking up with Mothers With Attitude Tweet
We watch CBeebies dubbed in Polish. Basically the same bunch of people does voices for all these programmes. And for some reason unknown the kids who take part in "I can cook" are given native Polish names popular in the early '50s. The names sound funny on their own but imagine an Indian girl named Bozenka or Tereska!
ReplyDeleteBRILLIANT!
DeleteI have just realised that du to over excitement caused by rage, I have given this the title "fifteen kids tv characters..." when there are actually 20 of them. Forgive me, do.
ReplyDeleteDirt Girl World is the creepiest thing ever, I cannot believe you missed it off. THE CG TERRIFIES ME. Matty loves Numberjacks, even spooky spoon - but thinks the numbertaker lives in his bedroom carpet. He won't walk on it now, and clambers up me like I'm some sort of tree. This also means he doesn't get out of bed in the morning and stays sat waiting for me. I feel it's a win, really.
ReplyDeleteOh no! I can't believe I missed Dirt Girl off. Aside from the fact that she's called Dirt Girl (which sounds like someone from a highly specialist porn film), i hate the way she looks like a teen whore.
DeleteI can't believe you missed In The Night Garden either! Really, what is wrong with the people who make that? It's ridiculous. My husband is pretty much scared of all the characters and thinks Upsy Daisy is a whore, since her skirt inflates and goes up every time she gets excited!!!!!
DeleteI am still traumatised from seeing Upsy Daisy's camel hoof in one episode.
DeleteUpsy Daisy isn't the worst of it... Iggle Piggle has a camel toe...
DeleteOnce seen, never unseen...
its makka pakka sellin white rock to folk u should worrie about
DeleteAnd Mr Bloom? Or shouldn't we mention him?
ReplyDeleteOh, and the white-clad chap from Rhyme Rocket.
ReplyDeleteall of rhyme rocket should be shot what a crock of shite
DeleteIt's that caterpillar thing too from Dirt Girl World. It's an abomination and should be killed on sight.
ReplyDeleteYou forgot Dora the cuffing explorer, she is an annoying little beehatch!
ReplyDeleteI have been spared Dora so far, although Rory did go through a brief Go Diego Go phase. if that is any indication of how infuriating Dora is, I must agree.
Deleteah I have very much enjoyed reading this. Even though I don't know who most of them are. A blessing it seems. . .
ReplyDeleteDora the bloody explorer and her stupid, American-accented Spanish. Ugh. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteI have just done several snorty laughs reading this post. In public. I look like someone about to snot my nose off.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Funny as flip and brilliant use of the word 'knobber'
Always a pleasure, sir.
DeleteNot having any kids,and therefore not knowing these horrors apart from Thomas the Tank Engine (it's a long story)I can only conclude that kiddies TV has gone down the pan since the heyday of Bod,The Flumps,Mr Benn et al.Yes,I'm that old.
ReplyDeleteBut my main point,if indeed there is one to this inane rambling,is who the f**k is that creepy weirdo with Sooty & Sweep?? This is a man who looks like he's melted his face & then stood in a wind tunnel to reshape it.Christ alive I wouldn't want to meet him down an alley dark or otherwise. I may need pyschotherapy and/or hard drugs to get over it to be honest.
I KNOW! Who is he and where did he come from? Terrifying.
DeleteHe's the son of Matthew who used to present it who was the son of the creator. I think. He's way creepier than the other guy.
DeleteHe never is the son of Matthew Corbett! Is he? Really? Good God,I'd never have guessed O_O
DeleteHe's not Corbits son, but he was always a fan. According to a documentary on kids programs the othe day.
DeleteBoth of the "real" people on Rhyme Rocket need a good slapping!
ReplyDeleteI'm the South African accent behind Spooky Spoon..........................................
ReplyDeleteBWWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm not really.
This is the most amazing list in the world and I would add one more...I effing HATE Noddy, the snotty lying little bastard.
And. I hate his stupid car too.
Hahahahahahahahaha! Confession: I always think of you when I hear Spooky Spoon. Don't hate me!
DeleteI've just had some brainwaves on utter cocking drivel programmes Rory has seen -
ReplyDeleteBubble Guppies - horrendously insipid
Barney - Yes it is a bit dated but he gives dinosaurs a bad name
Special Agent OSO - Really bad animation, terrible talking to the kids interaction and just general wank missions he goes on.
Driver Dan - Why bother, just put Jackanory on inside of these rubbish stories and oh so soft characters.
And the worse and can't believe Lise has missed this - Green Balloon Club - All deserve to perish, preferably crashing into some electric pylons ala the old 80's safety awareness advert
Driver Dan: Why make a programme all about how brilliant stories are and then fill it with rubbish stories?
DeleteAnd I can't believe I forgot Green Balloon Club - the worst thing on TV.
I think you have missed the point about Oso. He is a SPECIAL agent, in that special way. Its the only explanation I have
DeleteHahaha if rasta mouse says ting instead of thing to my child once more I will smash the telly
ReplyDeleteMr tumble can do one but Arthur sleep is boss
Haha this really cracked me up!
ReplyDeleteHaha this really cracked me up!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I'm not the only one who makes up words to PC Plum's song.
ReplyDeleteIt would probably have been easier to write "15 Kids TV presenters and characters who don't require a slap", but I'm not sure you could have found 15.
It doesn't help that the programs are repeated so often
Me: "we've seen this one today"
Small boy: "We have to watch it again because it is the afternoon now"
Me: "I want to watch Daddy's programs*"
Small boy "wah wah wah waaaaah!"
*It comes to something when Flog It and Bargain Hunt are a relief to watch.
I have tears running down my cheeks after reading this, screaming "Yes" and "I know!" My absolute all time loathing (and it used to be Big Cook twat and Little Cook twat) has now become the Rhyme Rocket - total shit and those blokes are just heinous. It's like someone from cbeebies has said "Hmmm...let's try and get children more into poetry...actually, let's try and attract boys. Hmmm...so we'll make it about rockets, yeah!!" There's more poetry on most public toilet walls than in that dreadful programme.
ReplyDeleteMrs H
Even an industrial stapler could not keep by backside on the sofa when Rhyme Rocket comes on the telly.
DeleteWe live in Wales and have to watch Thomas in two languages. I think I'll go to my grave humming that infuriating theme tune. At least the old one had no words....
ReplyDeleteThey're two they're four they're six they're eight, shunting trucks and hauling freight....
DeleteThe only amusing thing is that 'hauling freight' translates into something a bit rude in Welsh! Gives me a laugh at least.
DeleteRory the racing car's manager. How many sticks has he had up his buttcrack?
ReplyDeleteSorry but how could you possibly forget creepy paedo Cbeebies presenter Chris Jarvis?!? Gives me the heebie jeebies. Smarmy git
ReplyDeleteNoooo, I love Chris!
DeleteHow can you?!? Shame on you!! Traitor ;)
Deletepui fan lee drives me insane especially when she dresses up as little bow peep and is all "ooh a fluffy rabbit i want it i must have it,what is it?"....what the fuck is that all about?
DeleteThat little weirdo alien from rhyme rocket...anyone notice how rude and wrong his nose looks?
ReplyDeleteGreen Balloon Club is probably one of the worst offenders. An awful song/chant that, I assume, is supposed to encourage the kids watching to sing/chant along with it and take some sort of interest in nature - by children with a stilted and patronising delivery, hmmm.
ReplyDeleteWe are the Green Balloon Club - are you, very well, now move along please.
That programme Andy from CBeebies with the Kip character is pretty poor too, but not as bad as Tree Fu Tom. I can't even pretend to like it. No words to describe it's awfulness.
I Can Cook - and I can scare you while I do - look at my grin.
Rhyme Rockets is just plain weird, have the blokes been told that children are supposed to like strangely-pulled faces? Give them some credit. The bloke in the red suit seems to spend a lot of time with his mouth hanging open and the bloke in the lab coat shows a lot of teeth. Creepy.
very, very funny, completely agree with most of this, although I think you were a little hard on alex and cerrie, as Andy Day is far more annoying, especially in his 'adventures' - why does he never get the sack for disappearing all the time and not doing any work??!! And don't forget the night garden - possibly the most annoying programme ever, and like baby Jake - NOTHING EVER HAPPENS!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh yes, lazy fucker Andy 'I'll get right to it...after my tea break' Er, no.
DeleteOh yes, and while we're at it, how come Cbeebies think it is a good idea to show Andy placed in ridiculously dangerous situations, like right next to a grizzly bear for example? Ok, I know he's not really there, but little kids might think he is - not even a 'don't do this at home' warning or anything! Bizarre!
Deleteyou for got so many I don't even know where to start could easily make it 100 shows that should only be on vhs and all players put in land fills
ReplyDeleteAgreed. It would have taken soooo long to write though!
DeleteI sing about PC Plum's anal proclivities, but also:
ReplyDelete'What's the story in Balamory...whooooooo gives a SHIT?'
And have you heard the theme to Everythings Rosie...it REALLY sounds like 'Arseing along, arseing along.' Listen next time!
And as for that blithering idiot on 'i can cook' (my 10 and 8 year olds have apoplexy at the lack of a capital 'I' ), well, words fail me. Today she was making fresh fruit flapjacks. Now, I like flapjacks and I like fresh fruit but probably not cookedc together. Wanker.
You have no idea how happy your Everything's Rosie alternative lyrics have made me. I loathe that programme and now I can sing along subversively.
DeleteThank god I'm not the only one to hate that goddam panda so much.
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks for the big cook vs little cook thing. Now me and a friend (Whom I called specifically for this purpose) are discussing how exactly the world will end if it comes to it.
High five.
DeleteLisa - have you blocked Grandpa in my Pocket from your memory?
ReplyDeleteIt slopped my memory briefly, but they're all up there in the slap-o-sphere too, especially the girl that plays the sister.
DeleteSeriously - I could have made this post the Top 100 as there are so many to hate on, but it'd have taken me hours.
Think we should think about our favourite characters/presenters too - does anybody remember 'doodle do'? The guy that presented that (can't remember his name) was great - he was so chilled out, and sarcastic, not at all like your average manic, wide-eyed, grinning idiot type presenters - despite the fact he had to put up with talking to very irritating fluffy hand puppets! Bring him back I say!
ReplyDeleteI was thinking of this only this morning! It was the first thing I ever saw on CBeebies when Rory was tiny and I thought it was brilliant - genuinely hilarious and the guy presenting it was great. I have been waiting patiently ever since for them to re-show it but 3 years on and it hasn't reappeared yet. Bring it back!
DeleteSo glad you agree with me! I used to sit and crack up laughing watching that show - the guy was brilliant - why do they not show it anymore - think we need to start a petition!
Deletejust googled him - his names Chris Corcoran and he's a welsh stand up comedian - that explains everything! Also used to be a teacher....explains a lot too!
DeleteWe NEED him back. Right, who can be arsed to email CBeebies to tell them?
DeleteHahaha Laughing so much, I agree with many and Balamory, has one less now Spencer has moved back across the pond (real life actor that is) x
ReplyDelete**chuckle**
ReplyDeleteOh thank god you had Bella on there!
ReplyDeleteI've never laughed so much in a really long time!!
ReplyDeleteAs much as I do want to slap Granny Murray if I ever found myself in Riversea Fingal I think I would be too busy calling social services on all the parents who go to work whilst she looks after their children. Granny Murray is the only grownup in the whole town who is responsible enough to be in charge of children. Its a wonder the children all haven't been hit by buses on their way to childcare because the parents are certainly not intelligent enough to be allowed to cross the road.
ReplyDeleteChuffing brilliant!
ReplyDeleteCan we have a special mention for Sporticus who spends far too much time with his best friend who just happens to be a little girl with pink hair and no parental supervision?
Just too damn weird!
Great list, but I would include Sara Gilbertson from Postman Pat. Never has such a bratty child ever been created for kids tv, especially in the Bollywood dancing "Meera's sari is better than mine" episode. And can someone please blow her nose? Or maybe her doctor mother could do surgery on it?
ReplyDeleteAnd breathe.
Arghhh, had forgotten about the snotty nosed sounding children in Postman Pat.
DeleteFantastic list (though I will admit to being a bit in love with Alex off cbeebies)! I'm assuming by their exclusion from the list that you haven't seen either Carrie and David's pop shop or anything with Sarah Jane Chuffing Honeywell. They are atrocities that could easily be used instead of water boarding. They make me want to rip off my arm & throw it at the tv. If you haven't seen them that may seem extreme. If you have, you'll understand.
ReplyDeleteNOOOOOOOOOOO, they'd just been wiped from my memory temporarily, trauma style. Sarah Jane presents that godawful Mighty Mites thing with the scabby orange Geordie puppet thing, right? Oh, she must be killed.
DeleteOh my god, Carrie and David's pop shop - I am so glad that's not on atm - they were awful, truly dreadful!
DeleteI have lol'd at quite a few of these! On the whole I am spared from cbeebies, but my boys love Disney Jr & Nick Jr. Mr Lopart from Handy Manny needs a good slapping and so does Kelly. When is she going to admit that she wants to get in Manny's pants!
ReplyDeleteAlso, the very annoying girl who does the 5 min dress up thing. She needs a good fish slap as well! xx
You don't seem to have mentioned KerrWhizz- what's all that about? I loathe it, it's so annoying and what's the point of them racing? Totally agree on lots of these and I really despises tree fu Tom and how annoying the music is on all these kids programs, particularly when you find yourself humming them later on in the day!
ReplyDeleteam sat here agreesing with all of these. I hated Dirt girl with a vengance and never let dd watch it! think peppa could do with a good slap, she'll end up with an asbo when she's older spoilt little sod!
ReplyDeleteI am crying with laughter here! Fabulous.
ReplyDeleteOh this is just BRILLIANT. Even the comments - YES NODDING IN AGREEMENT.
ReplyDeleteBest post I've read in a looong time! *applause*
That really made me laugh! I always think that Justin is secretly like Krusty the Clown from the simpsons. He's all jolly and nice on screen but as soon as the cameras stop rolling I imagine him kicking a cameraman and cracking open the vodka.
ReplyDeleteAnd does anyone else think the numbertakers song in numberjacks really really sounds like they are saying "he's a number f**cker upper! (I think they are actually saying he's a number mucker upper??)
It is blatantly meant to be number fucker upper.
DeleteIncidentally, had a brilliant moment several months ago when R spotted a young bloke dressed from head to toe in white (white tracksuit, tucked into white socks, white baseball cap, lots of bling around neck, can of Special Brew in hand) and was shouting "LOOK MUMMY - IT'S THE NUMBERTAKER!" repeatedly as we walked past him. genius child that he is.
Fucking hilarious. Apart from Thomas ... Way harsh there. But Emily (really knows her stuff) is a right cunt.
ReplyDeleteNoooo, not Alex! I've met Alex and he's the nicest, funniest, most natural guy around!
ReplyDeleteEveryone else? I'm right there with you, particularly Cerrie. simpering bitch.
Fucking hilarious. Apart from Thomas ... Way harsh there. But Emily (really knows her stuff) is a right cunt.
ReplyDeleteThis whole page has made me laugh out loud, but the Emily thing is bang on. I think I might be spoiling my 3 yr olds fun tho, by actually asking why he engines' drivers LET them and HELP them do stupid things. Like when Thomas didn't know that the lion of Sodor was a statue (because he can't see behind him-fair enough) but his driver put fish and treacle on top of it!
DeleteMy 4 year old was demanding to know what was so funny while my husband and I read your blog. Made our evening to know you share our loathing of most of the CBEEBIES programmes and presenters...
ReplyDeleteSo you hate all of the people from Tikkabilla? My mate's dad is Simon from Tikkabilla. He is a right grumpy sod whenever I have bumped into him.
ReplyDeleteWot no Postman Pat in his modern guise as Special Delivery Service postman? If ever there was a reason that Royal Mail should be entirely privatised ... And the flippin' residents of Greenham Common (or wherever he balls up the postal service) give him awards for being brilliant - even after he's lost, broken and ruined their deliveries umpteen times. Even my 3yo pipes up after the line "We all know he's the best!" with the comment "No he's not - he's rubbish".
ReplyDeleteSuperb, my dear. Utterly superb. You couldn't possibly cover them all and still have any kind of a life for a week, but this is a pretty damn comprehensive list. Rastamouse is my special hate, not least for the surreal attempts at recreating Jamican accenting, but also for the example it sets to kids - namely that you can lie, steal, cheat and even in one episode pretty much fucking kidnap someone (!) and all you'll get is a bit of a moan from rastamouse and then have everything handed over to you that you wanted when you went crim in the first place. That fucking mouse clearly has a future as a judge or a probation officer for sex offenders who've been let out after serving a quarter of their minimum sentences.
ReplyDeleteDSD
Tommy Zoom and pollu-o.
ReplyDeleteBottle top Bill and that freaky build up everything from household crap thing
And we ventured onto CITV this weekend and discovered the UK's teenagers won their "let's have an entire channel devoted to farting" Mandate. *shudder*
You seem to have missed the Ginger firebug Norman Price. That boy belongs in Borstal, Pontypandy Branch. And Handy Manny needs a slap, just on general principles. Bring back Jamie and his magic torch........
ReplyDeleteBrilliant!! So funny, spat my tea out at number 17!
ReplyDeleteCan we add that Henry creature that is always hungry on baby tv, why to why does he continue to return to the same fecking restuarant when they never have anything left!
You want to watch Dora the Explorer dubbed into Egyptian dialect Arabic - it is no chuffing better. She needs to be devoured by angry anteaters - along with that annoying little turd Diego.
ReplyDeleteAnother hate in my tribe is "Brilliant Creatures". Shiny-faced cockwombles chatter inanely about entirely unbrilliant dormice.
ReplyDeleteFucktards.
I love you. May I join you when you race towards cbeebies towers please?
ReplyDeleteI wasn't expecting to love this post quite so much, but I do!!! :))
ReplyDeleteWhat about Dirtgirl World? I mean WTF is with the weird big heads!
ReplyDeleteYou forgot about the two knobbers from rhyme rocket, or perhaps its just me that has an irrational hate of Officer Dicktease. I imagine they go home to their apartment and watch sex and the city whilst planning their civil ceremony.
ReplyDeleteWhich is the one in the white coat? I want to stick a fork in his head.
DeleteI think this post is fantastic! I can't stand Justin and his annoying voice, in the night garden gets in my tits! Bob the builder bores the shit out of me and don't even get me started on the sodding tweenies! This post had me laughing out loud. X
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for linking up this fantastic post to Mothers with Attitude!! I agree with pretty much all of them and most the comments - this could definitely be extended to 100. Can't wait until hubby gets home so he can have a read, it's scary the rage these people can incite I'm not a violent person but could easily bitch slap Katy from I can cook! xx
ReplyDeletePretty much all the characters from Grampa in my pocket!
ReplyDeleteDirt Girl is totally freaky, with her big head and her facial twitch. And that caterpillar thing!!! WTF?
ReplyDeleteRhyme Rocket? *shudder*
Bob the builder. Please, 1 bloody day to renovate a watermill that had bats? And bloody stupid scrambler! And the way that every fecking episode one of then does something stupid without thinking of the consequences and Bob goes "oh lofty!" or whoever and holds his head in his hands? F off back to Bobsvile. Tho I do quite like Bob's dad, Robert the Builder.
ReplyDeleteI love the sheer amount of loathing that comes across in this comment.
DeleteThank god it's not just me who hates that effin' Rhyme Rocket. The one in the lab coat has a face I could never tire of slapping.
ReplyDeleteAgain - thank you - crying with laughter - I thought the Balamory cast deserved the c-bomb... Brilliant x
ReplyDeleteRight, I've had 4 weeks of cbeebies and I know know of what you speak and I AGREE WITH ALL OF IT!
ReplyDeleteBut Rhyme Rockets really has to be in there, and the bloody catch and throw song from Get Well Soon. She's crazy about Dr Ranj, I find his eyebrows very disturbing.
Mr Bloom, on the other hand...oh yes, we do like him!
Yep, get well soon is on my number one hate list. Why do we bother?
ReplyDeleteCarly Halse that does learn to dance on tiny pop....why??? just why?....crazy looking women who cant dance for shit! and those facial expressions she's constantly doing makes me want to rip her face of and shove it up her ass and then watch her dance.....and then there is the boy on abadas when he starts nodding his head to the music ..i dont know why but that niggles at my head big time..And then there is Rastamouse!.......stupid fucking ratty things the moment that comes on im turning the god damn channel within seconds...no way is my son guna start saying ting and bumbaclad..or however it is written stupid cartoon that teaches bad pronunciation.makes me want to headbutt the tv when i hear them talk
ReplyDeleteYou need to do a new post on this and include Dr Narcissist - erm I mean Dr Ranj.
ReplyDelete"Ooooh you know EVERYTHING, Dr Ranj!!" *vomit*
Loving the article, makes me chuckle. I'm on board with most of em, especially the Number Jacks, bloody awful programme, low rent, low budget, load of old pants!
ReplyDeleteI've been an Auntie (honourary & legit) for years, therefore, I've been subjected to lots of kids TV. Now I have my own Little one, I have my own personal Hell...... but I can't help being creeped out by lots of the presenters, especially Mr Tumble (sorry!) and the fact he seems to have a monopoly on Cbeebies, 4 programmes and counting!
Can I add a few from cbbc & Citv? FLEA FUCKING BAG MONKEY FACE! HATE IT! Its always on when you are getting hungry, That soon puts you right off! & Almost Naked Animals! Really!? Is this something to promote on kids T.V!?
ReplyDeleteAlso Horrid Henry! ON WAY TOO MUCH IN THE HOLIDAYS! GRRRRR
Rant over!
Agree wholeheartedly about Katy Ashworth. Slag. I think I CAN COOK should be renamed I CUNT COOK to be honest. Just saying x
ReplyDeleteI agree about all all of the above. But I do say Dr Ranj has made my little ones into hypocondriacs. They think the first red spot is hand foot and mouth disease. Its the parents or guardians that take them to the doctors and tbh if they are ill ill they dont really get scared a lot of the stuff can be treated at home anyway. Do not get me started on kids tv programmes lol. I hate the way that katie uses an entire bottle of ketchup each when the amount they use probably is the equivalant of just one half bottle and then we wonder why there is a shortage of food, I agree about big cook little cook but at least they gave you twmperatures times and alternatives for example in one recipe they used nut museli they said if you cant eat nuts you can buy an alternative etc.
ReplyDeleteJust found this page and I have to agree on just about everything mentioned! Can't stand Katie (ooo! Look how perky and wholesome I am) and she made pizza and put grapes on it wtf! And she is so patronising to the kids. Granny Murray is weird , who looks after kids and someone's dog ffs! I could rant all day, but I am busy analysing In The Nightgarden!
ReplyDeleteThis post plus following comments have really cheered me up being stuck at home with a 5 and 2 year old! I'm also of the Mr Benn, Arthur Lowe's Mr Men (without the wanky Little Miss characters), Trumpton, Camberwick Green and Charlton and the Wheelies era - in my mind, proper kids telly not the awful, tear-inducing crap that our kids watch now! I'm right behind everyone who wants to bitch slap all the presenters and crucify the people who produce this shit! My eldest (now 16) loved Big Cock, Little Cock - bring me the vodka! I'm also a psychiatric nurse and have a diagnosis (diagnosed purely for my own entertainment during these dire programmes) for all of the presenters - Katy is definitely bi-polar, it's unnatural for anyone to be THAT FUCKING BOUNCY all day without the aid of illicit substances! Cerrie certainly has sociopathic tendencies, Andy has a narcissistic personality disorder, Alex has an alcohol problem - he always looks like he has a hangover and grimaces rather than smiles! Sid hallucinates, believing he's anywhere else doing anything else and that new bod 'Kat' - WTF is she all about?
ReplyDeleteBalamory...Archie goes to rehab, excessive cocaine use, Josie Jump, vice girl past, PC Plum, jilted gay lover suicide attempt, Edie McCredie, manic episode, sectioned, Suzie Sweet and Penny Pocket; serial killers, Spencer, sex offences and Miss Hoolie, dunno irritating, though not in same league as those two cunts on 'show me show me'. Surprised they are not mentioned. Song should go "Show me show me, a couple of freaks".
ReplyDeleteWorst programs ever, numberjacks just soo cheap and how does mike the knight get away with being a little prick to everyone, mavy he should be a knight and do it right first time instead of beibg a sandy little but hole
ReplyDeleteMy son has been both obsessed with and terrified of Numberjacks since he was 18 months old (he's now 4). I hate it.
DeleteAnd Mike the Knight: JUST DO IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
As i sit here laughing at this and being subjeced to yet another episode of Bloody Balamory cant help but think you should have really added in the night garden. I actually feel dumber for watching it and still wince when ever I hear it start. Even tried to ban my son from watching it (as a result it's now his favorite show) it makes no sence and they all talk bollocks, wtf is a tinky tonk anyway. Its only saving grace is that everyone gets the names wrong and thanks to my mother upsy daisy will in our house forever be known as oopsie whoopsie
ReplyDeleteActually nothing against thomas, yeah hes dumb but I grew up ok (mostly) or against show me show me, yeah those too need serious help but the kids love it. Right on the money with soo tho, she was a pompous little bitch when I was a kid, and still is as for the presenter he scares me more than any evil spoon.
ReplyDeleteHalf of those mentioned on your list arn't even bad, Thomas the tank is a legend and Peppa Pig is quite witty! I cant believe you forgot Olivia from Milkshake-the one with a jaw like the Godfather and who is obviously trying to copy Jen Pringle, sorry but we dont need two annoying bints!
ReplyDeleteSame Smile rips my knitting. The presenter is really fake, overdoes her singing, the pandas Bish, Bash & Bosh or whatever they're called, the fact that the kids who don't get to take a panda away all look naffed off (probably as they have to stay with the presenter), and also the theme is a blatant rip off of Crash by the Primitives. I agree with most of the list and the comments, I've had a great laugh reading them!
ReplyDeleteAlso, anyone else realise that the acronym for Grandpa In My Pocket is GIMP?
haha best thing ive read in ages .Granny murray should be .......i just have too many unhappy endings for her to pick one
ReplyDeleteThis is quite possibly the best blog post I have ever read. I am howling with laughter.
ReplyDelete:-D You have no idea how cathartic it was to write.
DeleteI went to school with the man/boy that plays Mister Maker. I can assure you he would have loved a little hair brush role play in real life - it probably also explains his rapid rise in becoming school head boy. Allegedly.
ReplyDeleteYou've missed one though - Noddy...w@nker.
And also why does the Fat Controller never give the engine drivers a b*llocking. They lose control of their trains daily. Imagine I went to court for a hit and run and my defence was "my car fancied racing the cocky Audi and did not stop in time when the passenger stepped out in front of it despite me telling it to 'go easy now' twice".
I wish Fireman Sam would just let Norman fall off the cliff or burn to a crisp or get eaten by tigers (or Tiger).
ReplyDeleteCARRIE AND DAVID'S POPSHOP! By far the worst kids programme to have ever existed. The shit songs get right in there! I will involuntarily be singing them all day until the next episode plants a fresh, stinking lump of retarded, "musical" bum fudge in my head. It makes me want to cement my ears up!
ReplyDeleteHilarious, I was just googling to see if anyone found Katy can cook but can't sing as annoying as me. her singing voice is out of tune and her "paprika", "pinchy parrots", get to me too. I'm sure she's a lovely person and it's just a job. :-) I thought i was the only one who wanted to slap nearly everyone on kids telly. Peppa Pig as a show is brilliant, as is Ben and Holly, but agreed she is a bossy boots and totally agree with your list and previous posts about Dirt Girl (ewww just creepy) Bottle Top Bill and should add Angelina Ballerina to the list of slappables as well. and now there's olly the white van on Milkshake - Justin Fletcher has now infiltrated Channel 5.
ReplyDeleteLove this post. Mr Bloom is my reward for having had to ensure the rest of the drivel on CBeebies ( this is baring in mind that the Mr Bloom programme consists of an apartheid regime separating talking vegetables who cannot be eaten, from non-verbal veggies whose Iives can be considered expendable) . That smiley faced crack addict Simon has me eating my own knuckles and YES, Tree Too Tom and Mike the Knight need crushing. Oh b
ReplyDeleteIs, I could go on.
Can't believe this blog exists , was just letting my 2 year old watch green balloon club because I couldn't find the remote to turn it over! And just wondered across these posts whist looking online if anyone else found that show rubbish (too be polite) the kids can't act lol it's cringe!
ReplyDeleteI agree with most of the comments (except the presenters comments, come on stop attacking them, ones only got one arm for Christ sake, it can't be easy for them lol)
What is the deal with Same Smile and those awful teddies, they look like they came off a penny boot sale (no offence) but kids toys are not like that anymore! Why would any child want to play with them!!
Looks to me like the presenter got a budget for the show and spent it on herself and spent a couple of quid kitting out the show with crap teddies and an old bike! If I was the bbc I would be wanting to know where the money has gone!!!
" Hang on I am the bbc well I fund it thanks to the licence fee!! Wheres my money bitch!!!! "
Mr maker isn't that good either he's going round the world now too!! That sounds like its going to be cheap for the bbc and tv licence!!! If your going to be spending that kind of money at least get that lying shape business sorted out, there not shapes i.e. squares, rectangles, they are cuboid's , a square is 2d not 3d etc I thought it would be a piece of piss to change this bit to a 2d cartoon! "Stop teaching my kids the wrong definition for things Mr Maker!"
But yes, loving most of the comments and the list!!!
Great posts
My sentiments exactly!
ReplyDeleteI fucking hate Katie Ashworth
I fucking hate Muffin
Mr Tumble creeps me out
and I deeply loathed that slag faced cock mouth Dirt Girl lol!
Extra lolz for the Mr Maker hairbrush thwack! How funny please >.<
Enough to turn anyone to drugs...
Thank fuck they found the gorgeous Mr Bloom to save a generation of mothers from broken toes due to cringing over-curl!
How dare you!
ReplyDeleteThomas The Tank Engine does not deserve your abuse. If you had chosen Edward (so imfeminent I used to think Edward was a girl train) or maybe Toby I would have gone with it, but Thomas - no way.
Poop, Poop, on you said Thomas! Stppppppppp
Somehow I wouldn't be surprised if Justin Fecking Fletcher turned up in relation to operation Yewtree, a mate of mine saw him filming at a wildlife park and said he was a lecherous twat...plus now he wants to introduce kids to his "Tiny Tumble".
ReplyDeleteCerrie is a patronising, smug trollop...
Andy's nostrils disturb me.
Waybuloo...oh my god do I hate that. Anything where characters refer to themselves in the first person, especially in annoying cutesy voices..."dildo likes wibblefruit"
But my big bucket of hate goes to Topsy & Tim, god has there ever been two more obnoxious, pretentious, twee little shites? (although I'd do rude things with their mum)
Also...has anyone else noticed the theme tune to Olly The Little White Van is suspiciously similar to the chorus of "Angel Is A Centrefold" by J Geils Band?
ReplyDeleteBet you have that stuck in your head now...mwa ha ha ha!
You can't miss out Mike The Knight! He is so gay with that creepy smile, and he thinks he is rock hard when he is not he is so soft!
ReplyDeleteOr what about Tree Fu Toms BFF, Twig!? HE is so annoying, I want to smash the telly, and to find he is played by my favorite actor David Tenant! Thank you for writing this!
Completely agree with Mister Maker with the hairbrush. That man is delicious! I'd gladly do things to him that would make Cosmopolitan blush.
ReplyDeletePeppa pig needs a good clip to the head. Annoying twat.
Mister tumble meh. He's tolerable
Forgetting De Li from Waybloo, why does she have to talk really quietly as if she is about to cry???? I also have an idea for the next cbeebies Christmas/Easter play.. they should re-make sin city! Iggle Piggle as Kevin (the silent guy who kills prostitutes, think he fits the mould) Makka Pakka as the "Yellow Marv" (son of the Senator who kidnaps Nancy Callaghan) Cerrie Burnell as Nancy Callaghan (only hot woman on cbeebies) and just to see him 'act' a completely different character to his on cbeebies I want to see Aubney as John Hartigan
ReplyDeleteMy friend sent me this today and I havent laughed so hard in ages!!! Got a couple more to add to the list. Friggin teletubbies and show me show me! aggghhhh!
ReplyDeleteBalamory...do they use a special camera lens to film it? Something has to explain why whenever we see Miss Hoolie it's as if we're looking at her face in the back of a spoon...
ReplyDeleteThe entire bunch of tits who present spring watch, winter watch etc. they drive me to distraction
ReplyDeleteFireman Bloody Sam...
ReplyDeleteSmug, attention seeking, know it all, praise hogging, glory hound.
Someone like him would be insufferable to work with...I pray for the day that puddle brained Elvis turns round and shouts...
"Oh shut the fuck up you arrogant twat
Nobody mentioned the smug, bratty, self-seeking, entitlement Princess AKA Lola from Charlie and Lola? the episode where she completely ruins Charlie's birthday party... SLAAAAAAAAAAAAP!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely pissing myself at this post, and the comments.
ReplyDeleteCouldn't agree more with Pop Shop, David has all the personality of a door and that slapper Carrie...does anyone else think that she dances a bit inappropriately? Plus she's nowhere near as attractive as she thinks she is.
To whoever mentioned Iggle Piggle's camel toe...thanks for that, never noticed it before, now whenever my little girl has night garden on, it's all I bloody see.
Also, why do so many of these programmes use the same template?
1. Primary character girl, sweet, smart and usually right
2. Primary character boy, similar age to girl, but spoilt, sport mad, bit of a bully, know-it-all show off. (often voiced by Sophie Aldred - Sylvester McCoy's Dr Who assistant Ace)
3. Secondary character woman, generally depicted as wise, Earth-mother type
4. Secondary character man...basically Benny from Crossroads
5. Elderly male or female...mystical wizard
Interesting! Seems like Tom & Jerry not on the list. I have seen kids watching RIO as well as the Love the Shrek's Donkey. The characters that all the famous PoemsforKids.pk have. Moon, Stars, Sheep ...
ReplyDeleteAll the comments are so witty and I agree with almost all except I like Justin in any guise and hate hate hate Mr Maker. Also, sorry but Mr Bloom is creepy and if I hear him shout "ayyyyy" once more I will spontaneously combust with rage! As for Rastamouse... . Anyone got a huge cartoon trap? However, it IS TV for children. , not us adults do of course we find them all annoying. The kids seem to love them though so when they're watching maybe we should be shopping on eBay!
ReplyDeleteKatie Morag....and her weird mute tiger suit wearing brother. Defo worth a call to the western Isles social services.
ReplyDeleteAnd....who wants to live on the Isle of Struay? Answer...nobody unless they are under witness protection scheme.
ReplyDeleteSmall potatoes. Into the deep fryer with all of them. And who on earth thought it was a good idea to put Raa Raa on at the point when you are just slightly too asleep to do anything about the volume or the desire not to leave the warm world of the duvet?
ReplyDeleteSmall potatoes. Into the deep fryer with all of them. And who on earth thought it was a good idea to put Raa Raa on at the point when you are just slightly too asleep to do anything about the volume or the desire not to leave the warm world of the duvet?
ReplyDeleteNot one single mention of Zingzillas...
ReplyDeleteMy measure of being sick to death of seeing a particular programme is when I start wishing *insert name of character here* would explode for little in the way of apparent reason - quite a rare thing with animal characters where I'm concerned, but Zingzillas is a notable (along with Bing) exception. The one redeeming feature is a song about pirates that I re-imagined to contain the line 'It's time to weigh the anchor, raise the sails and swab the deck - we'll journey round the island 'till I smash you in the neck.' - that was, 'till my kids started repeating it, then we had to stop :(.
Mr.Tumbles would have to be the biggest con man in television. Talentless, awful fake laughter and such a self reverential knobhead.
ReplyDelete