Friday, 8 June 2012

Broken Pause Button

My beautiful baby turns 3 on Sunday.  Tomorrow, his four favourite friends are coming over for a party and he's so excited because this year he knows what to expect.  I'm excited too because birthdays get worse the older you get, so at least I get to enjoy his now.

We had a bath together earlier, and as we splashed and made beards out of bubbles, I realised that three years ago tomorrow, I was lying in the very same bath thinking disturbingly violent thoughts about the cow of a midwife who wouldn't let me come into hospital and told me to take 2 paracetamol and have a bath instead.  I remember writhing and moaning, twisting about with each contraction, trying to breathe through it and watching my baby bump kick and wriggle, desperate to get that damn baby out so I could have my body back again.  Now he's 3, and I'm not sure how much longer it's appropriate for us to have baths together and that makes me sad because it's another sign that he's growing up and changing.

I couldn't wait for him to stop being a baby, to sleep a bit better, to talk so he would stop screaming at me.  Then it went and I missed it.  Now I realise that it won't be long before my horror of a toddler will grow out of filling his shoes with mashed potato and weeing in Daddy's slippers (he does seem to have a slight obsession with footwear), and although it will be nice to put my wellies on without encountering a fish finger, I'm going to miss the sparky little bugger.

Someone asked me to write a piece about first love recently, but I just haven't been able to find the words.  Part of what I wanted to say though is this:  Did you ever love someone in the knowledge that they didn't love you back?  And when you were with them you'd try to freeze frame moments of time when everything seemed perfect, when if you wiped your brain of what you knew to be the truth, you could pretend that everything was OK, and that they felt the same?  I'd lie there with him, thinking "if I can store this feeling up in my head; how his skin smells and how my cheek feels against his chest - that will be enough for me when it's finally over and I have to face up to the truth."  Well, that's how I feel about Rory.  I'm so lucky to have a cuddly, affectionate little boy who loves to snuggle up to me and kiss my face and have private, whispered conversations about everything that's important in his brilliant, three year old head.  But I know that one day it will all stop - that he'll roll his eyes at me and tell me to stop fussing, that he'll cringe when I kiss his head and ruffle his hair, that I'll have to bribe him for a quick hug.  I know he'll shut his bedroom door on me and grunt at me to leave him alone and keep my nose out of his life.  And I find myself smelling his hair and feeling it between my fingers, remembering his little baby kisses and the squish of his pudgy arms and trying desperately to store it for future reference, when my little boy is not so little and doesn't need his mummy so much any more.  I try to etch everything onto my memory when he shouts "TEAM HUG" and he, Rich and I all collapse in a pile of limbs, me listening to Richard's heart beating and hoping that his cardiologist will find out what's wrong with it soon and fix it, so I can stop worrying so much about losing those team hugs.

Anyway, I'm getting my melancholia over with tonight because tomorrow is a day for balloons and cake and musical bumps, and on Sunday it's his real birthday, and he's got a BAT CAVE as his main present, so I will be too busy playing superheroes to feel sad.  Normal service will be resumed soon people - rest assured that I have made a 3rd birthday cake so shit that it really should be in a museum.  Plus the flying ants seem to be back, so there's that.  See you all soon for inappropriate swearing and cock-ups.

20 comments:

  1. Lovely words. Honestly brought a tear to my eye. My boys are 17 months old and I miss bath time with them. I used to take them in the bath with me one by one. Then they got big enough to use the double bath seat and splash around together. It's one of the things I miss most about them being little.

    Please don't feel sad - there are many, many more years of unconditional cuddles. Oh, and I bet the cake tastes better than it looks. Erm, failing that, nip to Tesco in the morning, buy a cake, take it out of the box and pass it off as your own. x

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  2. Rest assured Lise, the cuddles last for years and years. My eldest is going to be 8 in July, and we still snuggle, I still sniff his hair after a bath, we still play chase. The coolness and stuff may be at school, but at home the big dudes are still mummy's little boys. xx

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  3. *wipes a tear*

    What a lovely post, Lise. Happy birthday to Rory x

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  4. Got me crying! My two are so snuggly and I treasure everyn minute like you knowing it won't last. Mum and Dad get lots more cuddles tho!

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  5. That was beautifully put hun. Tracy is weeping after reading it as she is now thinking the same about Sam and Poppy. Now she has just highlighted how things will change when Sam starts school in September, and that Poppy will miss him so much as they play together all the time.!!

    The sad thing is that I miss all this as I'm at work all week so I only see them before I head off and for maybe 30mins before they go to bed.

    Is it sad that I still take pics of my kids any chance I can? I have over 5000 (yup!!!) pics on my phone and they go all the way back to Sam's birth. Many a time I will find myself losing an hour just flicking through the images and occasionally finding a video of him or his sister doing something silly.

    Relish every second. It sounds easy doesn't it but when they've been winding you up all day it's sometimes hard to remind yourself that they are still tiny little kids. I love them with every breath and will stop at nothing to protect them or their mum from the nasty folk that are out there.

    I hope you little one has a fantastic birthday party tomorrow. Get the kids fly swats and make a game of swatting ants if the ants play up. First to 10 gets a lolly

    I also hope you Hubby's heart gets sorted. I am sure it will all be groovy.

    Big love to you and yours and thank you for putting your thoughts down and sharing them as its nice to know that I'm not the only one who sniffs the kids hair and time travels back to having a little helpless being snuggling into my chest :)

    Big love
    Xxxx

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  6. This is beautiful and i know what you mean as my baby turned 3 in April. This brought a tear to my eye as both he and the 18 month old are cuddle bunnies and i love it, i dread when it stops and are replaced by grunts and sighs.

    However my brother is 35 and he gives my mum the most all encompassing mega hugs when he sees her so maybe they do come back a little when they grow comfortable with themselves post teenage angst. Thats all we can hope for.

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  7. I can honestly say that little boy hugs turn into Big Boy Hugs and those are quite possibly EVEN MORE DELICIOUS... And I also happen to know, from having grown up with three brothers, who are now older and wiser (!) that they are equally amazing at giving their mummy (and their big sister) AMAZING cuddles!! So fear not: there are PLENTY more snUggles to come :)

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  8. If they are huggy to begin with they stay huggy. My mate's middle one is 13 now and still has hugs with mum sometimes. The youngest one has never been huggy and would always offer to shake my hand, quite bizarre for a 3 year old. The oldest one is 18 and yes still cuddles up with mum but we just won't let his mate's know that.

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  9. A posting well fit to go into a 'memory box' to be treasured...maybe alongside a photo of Rory's birthday cake...which I am sure your Followers would all love to see...?! [if not necessarily taste!]
    Happy Birthday Master Rory!

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  10. Oh what beautiful memories that brought back x
    You know what ? I just waved my 27yr old son off on his way back 400miles away to his home x The hugs were so much bigger and stronger than when he was three, but the love between us grows deeper as the years pass x
    So really you have a wonderful life to look forward to, as it truly gets better xx

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  11. hello, that made me laugh and cry in equal measure, so much rang bells with me, you want them past whatever difficult phase they are in but at the same time you want time to stand still. Hope he enjoys the museum-piece cake and the Bat Cave, without the interference of flying ants (yeuch, sounds unpleasant).

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  12. Beautiful words and a sentiment I can very much relate to. My little boy is also 3 and very affectionate. He just told me I am the best breakfast maker in all the world. After reading your post I'm all a bit teary now that it won't always be this way, but we should be happy too that we have such great little boys.

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  13. I just read on your folksy profile about how you felt you'd failed to make a beautiful craft blog - have to say I loved this post, and for me it's way more interesting! My oldest is 30 now... he was born on his due date so I totally sympathise with your trials with the midwife. My hospital were quite sure I'd looked at the calendar and therefore "decided" I was in labour... guess what? I was.

    Hope we're going to see a pic of the cake? Maybe it's worth submitting to cakewrecks?

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  14. Ooooh, Heather - I've just worked out who you are! You're Knitted Boobs lady! (Well, that is what my husband is referring to you as since receiving this card from me on his birthday: http://folksy.com/items/2708070-Mermaid-greeting-card-Hello-Sailor) We gave Rory one of your cards on his first birthday too (not one with knitted boobs on it though).

    Cake could easily be submitted to cake wrecks. I read advice telling me to use crushed up Oreo cookies to make it look like the surface of the road. yeah, thanks whoever put that on the internet - it did not work and it just made my kitchen look like it was covered in mouse poo. Brilliant tip.

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  15. LOL if that's my claim to fame I'm happy! I don't know why blogger sometimes calls me Heather and sometimes Niftyknits, it's one of life's mysteries.

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  16. Wow that was so beautiful and you certainly found the words to how I do often feel (well apart from the strange things in the shoes and wellies!) a wonderful post!

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  17. That was beautiful. I am fortunate that I have the best of both worlds, I have an 18-year-old son and a 5-year-old son. So I still have the cuddly little boy who wants to share with me all his secrets, and every once in a while - for no reason at all, the eyes stop rolling, and the teenager will give me a hug and say he loves me. It always brings me right back to moments like this. There are lots of years of happy snippet memories to look forward to.

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  18. You made a birthday cake? Doesn't matter how rubbish it is, you've beaten me hands down. I've plumped for a supermarket special for the 2nd birthday celebrations this weekend. I'm a failure as a mother. Oh well. Totally get you on the freeze frame stuff. I do it all the time too. Gorgeous post.

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  19. Beautiful post which made me cry!

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  20. Love this post! Made me feel all sad and sentimental and my boys are still little! Luckily the 5yr old is still affectionate and the 1 yr old likes to headbutt me (which is still affection in my book) I know just how you feel though...I'm constantly kissing them and touching their beautiful hair. They smell wonderful and I just want to breathe them in all the time so I never forget when they're older. I hope the hugging never stops. (I will be that embarrassing mum!)

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