Saturday, 19 May 2012

It's Saturday night and you're going to be soooo jealous when you find out what I'm doing.

I am defrosting the freezer.  Oh yes I am.  What's more, I'm doing it in filthy tracksuit bottoms and going at it with a scrubbing brush and a sponge, and spitting great hanks of hair out of my mouth ever 30 seconds because I am so intently focussed on Sorting The Freezer Out that spending a whole minute and a half locating a hair band to scrag my hair back with seemed like a waste of precious freezer cleaning time.

It can only mean one thing: I have been hit with my bi-yearly 'why am I not a proper grown-up?' panic.  Well, OK, it could mean one of two things: either that or I forgot to take my Sertraline last night (did that a few weeks ago and the next day was gripped with the sudden need to paint the study in 2 hours by myself without moving any furniture at all or the use of any dust sheets. We're still picking paint splashes off the floor, but it does look lovely and fresh in here now and the withdrawal electric shocks in my head stopped after 48 hours).

Back to the panic.  You may have picked up on my slight lack of organisational skills.  Or...well...life skills of any kind really.  To give you an overview of the scale of the problem, I recently took a comprehensive online test to determine how many autistic traits I have.  I think it was scored out of 160, the average being around 80.  I scored zero and have a sneaking suspicion that this diagnoses me as terminally crap.  It would be right.  I don't own a watch or a diary (well, I own many diaries because I buy them with the best of intentions, use them for 3 days and then mislay them) and instead rely on someone else telling me what I'm supposed to be doing and when and random scribbled notes on bits of paper strewn around the house.  I find this system works pretty well for me, but nobody else approves and occasionally I wake up in a fit of angst about my uselessness and begin a quest to get organised.

I was already entering this phase this morning, when my husband made the mistake of telling me not to bother because "being ramshackle is all part of your charm."  That did it.  Ramshackle?  Out of all the adjectives he could pluck out of the English language to describe his wife, the love of his life, he picks ramshackle?  I do not want to be ramshackle.   Time to defrost the freezer and take a trip to Ikea.*

I don't really care that it's a Saturday night.  We were staying in anyway, and it will be worth it for the smug feeling of having done something that responsible adults do.  I have even resisted the temptation to hack at the ice with a knife so far (although I really really want to.  So much.).  I have also organised the toiletries and found two baskets for the transportation of items up and down stairs AND - get this bitches - I have BOUGHT SOME FLANNELS.  Uh-huh.  We are now a household that owns flannels.  Get in.  Now when one of us has a headache we won't have to lie in a darkened room with a damp pair of Richard's pants on our foreheads because we have the correct tool for the job.

God, I am such a brilliant grown-up today.   Had better go and scrape some defrosted prawns out of the back of the freezer now.  Maybe will even clean the microwave by cutting a lemon up and heating it up in a bowl of water.  That's how adult I am.  Time for some serious backside kissing Richard; you will rue the day you called me ramshackle.





*Trip to Ikea was total failure as I rejected all their shelves for "looking cheap" and their spice racks were out of stock.  This is a major setback.  My future organisation skills depend entirely on the existence of spice racks in my house and I'm having a bit of a panic.

18 comments:

  1. It is possible to defrost a freezer without hacking at it with a knife?? i thought that was the proper procedure! do you have that defrost spray from the klean-eeze book?

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  2. yes, some sort of magic spray. I use a claw hammer.

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  3. I tend to go down the hairdryer route, much easier to hack it all out machete style when it's melting :)

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  4. Really wishing I'd used some sort of weapon now.

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  5. My mum used a weapon and ended up piercing one of the pipes. She spent the next 5 minutes guessing how long she had left to live as the gas sprayed right in her face. I just advised her that we were probably gonna have her around for at least another 30yrs! Bummer!

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  6. The magic spray is not as magic as I wanted it to be. Also less satisfying than hacking, hitting, heating and hurling lumps of ice into the sink.

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  7. My freezer looks so pristine this morning that I kind of don't want to go to Tesco and buy stuff to put in it as that will make it look untidy. Maybe will eat all future meals from McDonalds instead.

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  8. very grown up! I also defrosted my freezer this year and last week did the lemons in the microwave thing, which is the one tip I seem to have remembered from watching Kim and Aggie!

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  9. I did NOT defrost my freezer (nor have I ever done so). I, too, am a domestic disgrace. I offer lewd rewards to my fiance to get out of doing dishes. I only do laundry when I have NOTHING to wear for at least three days. I only cook when I truly feel like it, and far more frequently get all of my sustenance from chips and candy. I only clean my bathroom when my mom is coming over. I do make store lists, but I usually forget them at home and when I bring them, I don't look at them. My bed is a constant jumble of pillows and linens. I also do not own a watch, nor do I keep any kind of diary or schedule. I also have my phone perpetually on silent, the number of flaws in that are too many to count...

    So in sum, I really appreciate your blog and it's perspective and just wanted to pop in and say that you're not alone. There are other domestic disgraces out there who never ever defrost their freezers.

    :)

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  10. I've been trying to buy a spice rack for five months and haven't succeeded yet! Our spices are doomed to live forever in a shoe box, which I feels adds a certain charm to the kitchen counter...

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    1. Sounds rustic. Cath Kidston will probably be selling spice shoe boxes soon.

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  11. I tend to turn the temperature up a bit in the hope that it might melt a bit, and then turn it down again - if I remember. Probably not healthy.

    The hairdryer trick is also ace, totally unsafe but it does mean I don't hack at the element and break it.

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  12. Defrost freezer Shimples.
    1. Eat all the food in the freezer
    2. Switch it off.
    3. Fill the freezer drawers with hot boiled water from the kettle.
    4. Close the door.
    5. Come back in 30 mins and the job is done.
    6. Pour water away.

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  13. Here is the best tip anyone will ever give you. When you have defrosted the freezer and removed all the ice, (and washed it out and dried it if you are that sort of person), get a bottle of glycerin from the chemist. Pour a good few dollops of glycerin onto a cloth and wipe all over the inside of the freezer/any shelves with it. Make sure all the surfaces have a good coating of glycerin on them. Then put everything back in and switch it on again.

    The next time you want to defrost the freezer, just put a bowl of boiling water in it and shut the door. Once the ice starts to melt it will all just fall off in great big chunks, leaving the surfaces clear, and you won't have to do any hacking with a breadknife at all. It's brilliant.

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  14. I am defrosting my freezer, right now in a minute.
    Then I will full of plans to stock it up with yummy homemade and nutritious meals.
    Then I will go to Iceland and buy buy fish fingers, square sausage and crispy pancakes instead

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    1. Are you actually inside my head? I do that EVERY TIME! Don't forget the frozen donor kebabs....

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