Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Mister Maker, I Want a Word.

We watch a lot of Mister Maker in this household.  This is more to do with the fact that I'd secretly like him to take me roughly over his arts and crafts table than any great interest in toddler art on the part of my son and I, but that doesn't stop us occasionally attempting some of his masterpieces ourselves.

I have issues with Mister Maker though, the main one being that it's easy enough for him to knock up a spectacular looking picture with pipecleaners and gloopy glue - he's about 30.  However, give the same materials to a two year old and you've got what looks like something got enthusiastically squashed and died on the paper and an explosion in Hobbycraft happening in your living room.

Now, I'm not known for my wonderful housekeeping and I am not scared of a bit of mess.  I also never learn, so yesterday I found myself attempting to recreate a Maker Masterpiece with Rory yet again.

We watched the Christmas special with much enthusiasm.  Why is it clearly filmed in July though Mister Maker? Why? We are not fooled by a crappy computer snow graphic and a few paper chains.  We then sat and watched you create a tasteful snow scene on black paper with the use of PVA glue mixed with water, flour and glitter.  "We could do that!" I exclaimed. (I am sick. Really really sick with something that is almost but not quite flu. I'd taken too much Lemsip and Co-Codamol at the time and wasn't thinking rationally).

Off we went.  I did the tricky cutting out bits and Rory did the glueing and the sprinkling of flour and glitter.

Mister Maker, do you have a child?  Because I'm not sure that you're aware of the sheer stupidity of giving a 2 year old flour, glitter and a sieve.  As I said, I am ill and cannot be blamed for my inability to think clearly.  I am blaming you for the layer of sparkly flour that settled all over my ground floor/clothes/hair/stairs/Christmas tree.  Also, why the actual WHY would you suggest mixing water into the glue? This just ensures that it spreads itself over a greater surface area of floor and sofa.  And did you realise that flour and water make a glue like substance when mixed? So basically, when Rory went face down in the lot with a whoop of joy, he created a hybrid of flour, water and PVA glue, which is potentially the stickiest substance known to toddlers. Throw some glitter in why don't you.  It now looks like pixies have ejaculated all over my laminate.

The resulting picture was...well...shite.  And I did most of it.  Damn you.

Next up were some reindeer antlers constructed from brown card and a plastic hair band.  "Mummy - you make that for me," requested my son, so off I went to cut up an Amazon box.  I cut the antlers out - so far so good, but I wasn't paying attention when you explained how to attach them to the hair band - was probably looking at your arse or something - so I used Blu-tack. I'm sure you mentioned Blu-tack.  I was quite impressed with my creation to be honest, but Rory was not.  "I'm not wearing that Mummy, I'll look like a wally," he said.

Fine, I'll wear it.

Wow, I look like the povvo child whose mum couldn't afford to buy a pair of 99p antlers from Asda.  Not cool Mister Maker.

Look at that.  You'd have got given a Chinese burn for less than that at my school.

Sort it out Mister Maker.  Or I'll find somewhere very interesting to stick that pom-pom.


  1. Haha this made me laugh so much. I thought that getting glue out would be a good idea with a tired two year old or wouldn't sleep the last 2 afternoons, glue EVERYWHERE! Always seems like such a good idea at the time doesn't it!

  2. ejaculating pixies has to be one of my most vivid mental images of 2011...! you're my funny hero - brilliant

  3. I think you Toddler Mums should get that nice solicitor who's been extracting loads a money from News International to take out a class action on your behalf against the Beeb. As it seems to be the season for threatening legal action (see Scotrail ejected weasel and his dad) then you stand a good chance of being paid millions for damage and distress caused by homes wrecked in following Mr M's suggestions. And daughter btw what is this thing you have about blokes with erect follicles?

  4. But father, it's all about the spotty waistcoat.

  5. Killing myself laughing at "ejaculating pixies".

  6. Fantastic posting! Just what I needed after a tough week. So many mental images that made me chuckle.

  7. Love it :-) ......... though do worry somewhat for your sanity if Mr maker is doing it for you

  8. The first paragraph of this post nearly did me in. Bloody brilliant!