Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Labour Saving Device Saves My Marriage

I worship at the altar of our dishwasher.  I love the thing.  We've had it less than a year and I can honestly say that I don't know how we managed to avoid the divorce courts without it as our kitchen is of the tiny variety and you only have to heat up a Cup-a-Soup and make a slice of toast to make it look like a bomb's hit it.  Add to this the fact that I Don't Do Washing Up (I used to be a chef and had slaves to do that sort of thing for me) and you have a house full of furry coffee cups and seething resentment. That dishwasher saved my marriage.  When we finally reach the dizzy heights of owning tumble dryer we'll probably hit some form of marital utopian bliss.

I am a housework hating slacker, so any labour saving devices are welcome in my household, but the ultimate device has not yet been invented.  Until now.  I am still in the early stages of drafting this out, and if anyone can make me a prototype I would be pleased to work with you.  I expect these to be on the market by the end of next year, so be patient my friends.  Good things come to those who wait.


Key features:

1. Folds up to convenient shape and size in order to slide easily into the tiny space in the cupboard under the stairs without dislodging the step ladder, barbecue gas cylinder, 6 footballs, 3 odd wellies,  the roll of wallpaper that you've been meaning to put up for 2 years, the Millenium Falcon and the box of conkers that are supposed to ward off spiders and causing the pushchair to concertina open like an unwieldy spring-loaded bastard every time you try and manoeuvre it in and out.

2. Has bodily fluid seeking technology, allowing you to locate a sneaky wee behind a curtain, a blob of baby sick under the sofa or a turd in your slipper immediately.

3. Toddler food tracking device.  Keeps track of whether fish fingers have been eaten or disposed of down the back in the radiator.  No more mystery household fishy smells.

4. Husband sensing technology.  Automatically turns the thermostat down half an hour before he arrives home.  Never argue about the heating bill again.

5. A bit that gets black mould off the rubber bath mat.

6. Writes "IT IS RECYCLING DAY SO REMEMBER TO PUT YOUR BINS OUT" in neon writing in the sky (much like a Death Eater dark mark) for the entire 24 hours before the bin men come.

7. Fascia board salesman alert klaxon.

8. Causes magic stain repellent forcefield to appear around walls and furniture whenever your child has been, for example, poking around in the coal scuttle.

9. 'Mother's Helper' feature - shouts several key phrases on a loop such as " GET DOWN FROM THE WINDOW SILL", "STOP LICKING THE PLUG SOCKETS" and "PLAYMOBIL MEN ARE NOT FOR STICKING UP YOUR BOTTOM" while you're otherwise engaged.

10. Gin dispensing tray with ice cubes.

What do you think?  I'm awaiting my call from Dragon's Den any day now.


  1. Ah if only... please keep me updated on this product development!
    I do have one cheap and easy idea to help with your list... an old bottle brush with some bleach rubbed in circles cleans the back of the bath mat brilliantly - even under those pesky sucker on things! No need to buy a new mat every few months; and sadly very satisfying!

  2. I knew I could not be alone in my hatred of the black stuff on the back of the bathmat. A machine to remove this hateful scum would be wonderful, failing that I now know I can try bleach and an old bottle brush!

    Gin dispensing tray is most excellent idea too.

  3. One of the first things we bought with our wedding money gifts was a dishwasher. Best thing I ever bought.
    My washer/drier died yesterday, we have a new one to put in but it's just a washing machine. I do feel a bit weepy at the thought of no more drier.

  4. Gin dispenser should use Nexpresso type capsules with gin (or ny other poison). Tonic or any other mixer to be supplied from a 2 litre bottle screwed onto the device. Ice to be made from water in another 2 litre bottle screwed on beside it.

  5. I'll happily test a prototype. I won't even charge you.

  6. So it's not just me then. Must show this to the husband. Normal after all ;)
    Brilliant post!

  7. Love it! I've always wanted a magic cleaning fairy in true Enid Blyton fashion. Perhaps you are the answer to my dreams.

  8. Did you ever find out what a fascia board is?

  9. thanks for being our Netmums blog of the week! We've got some fabulous comments for you on our blog and on our Netmums Facebook page too.

  10. Still don't know what a bloody fascia board is - apart from being something that I am obviously neglecting and should be ashamed of (or so the amount of salesmen that find their way to my front door leads me to believe).

    Hello new readers BTW, especially those of you who have made your way over via netmums. Wonderful to see you. Come on in - the water's lovely.

  11. Haha this has been the best thing I have read all day!
    If it could also include a bathroom cleaning device of some sort and an arm to get to get the balls/toys that always end up right behind the sofa that would be great! ;)

    I will do anything to avoid the housework, and would LOVE to have a dishwasher but our kitchen is such a pathetic size...put it this way I can close all 4 cupboards and draws all from the same spot! If there is another person in there I have to shoo them out just so I can open a door of an appliance...grr!

  12. I'd add an automatic night hugger or cuddler for our almost-2-year-old son or a dummy which would resemble one of us to make him STOP SLEEPING WITH US!

  13. And one more thing - snow remover and car defreezer to save my time and effort on winter mornings

  14. You are hilarious! sorry but I absolutely laughed my arse off at "PLAYMOBIL MEN ARE NOT FOR STICKING UP YOUR BOTTOM" I have three boys and I could definitely with one of these inventions hehe. Thank you for the first LOL of 2012 :)