I worship at the altar of our dishwasher. I love the thing. We've had it less than a year and I can honestly say that I don't know how we managed to avoid the divorce courts without it as our kitchen is of the tiny variety and you only have to heat up a Cup-a-Soup and make a slice of toast to make it look like a bomb's hit it. Add to this the fact that I Don't Do Washing Up (I used to be a chef and had slaves to do that sort of thing for me) and you have a house full of furry coffee cups and seething resentment. That dishwasher saved my marriage. When we finally reach the dizzy heights of owning tumble dryer we'll probably hit some form of marital utopian bliss.
I am a housework hating slacker, so any labour saving devices are welcome in my household, but the ultimate device has not yet been invented. Until now. I am still in the early stages of drafting this out, and if anyone can make me a prototype I would be pleased to work with you. I expect these to be on the market by the end of next year, so be patient my friends. Good things come to those who wait.
THE DOMESTIC DISGRACE-O-MAT 2011
1. Folds up to convenient shape and size in order to slide easily into the tiny space in the cupboard under the stairs without dislodging the step ladder, barbecue gas cylinder, 6 footballs, 3 odd wellies, the roll of wallpaper that you've been meaning to put up for 2 years, the Millenium Falcon and the box of conkers that are supposed to ward off spiders and causing the pushchair to concertina open like an unwieldy spring-loaded bastard every time you try and manoeuvre it in and out.
2. Has bodily fluid seeking technology, allowing you to locate a sneaky wee behind a curtain, a blob of baby sick under the sofa or a turd in your slipper immediately.
3. Toddler food tracking device. Keeps track of whether fish fingers have been eaten or disposed of down the back in the radiator. No more mystery household fishy smells.
4. Husband sensing technology. Automatically turns the thermostat down half an hour before he arrives home. Never argue about the heating bill again.
5. A bit that gets black mould off the rubber bath mat.
6. Writes "IT IS RECYCLING DAY SO REMEMBER TO PUT YOUR BINS OUT" in neon writing in the sky (much like a Death Eater dark mark) for the entire 24 hours before the bin men come.
7. Fascia board salesman alert klaxon.
8. Causes magic stain repellent forcefield to appear around walls and furniture whenever your child has been, for example, poking around in the coal scuttle.
9. 'Mother's Helper' feature - shouts several key phrases on a loop such as " GET DOWN FROM THE WINDOW SILL", "STOP LICKING THE PLUG SOCKETS" and "PLAYMOBIL MEN ARE NOT FOR STICKING UP YOUR BOTTOM" while you're otherwise engaged.
10. Gin dispensing tray with ice cubes.
What do you think? I'm awaiting my call from Dragon's Den any day now.