But my house is looking mildly squalid at the moment, so drastic action was called for, and I decided to sign up to Flylady – a website dedicated to getting into a cleaning routine and establishing good housewifely habits.
Right, well, after looking at their website for all of 2 minutes, I felt that a slightly lesser plan of action was required, as not only do they send you 10 emails per day (I haven’t got the time to read 10 emails, let alone clean my house), they promise to make you learn how to ‘F.L.Y’. Which stands for Finally Love Yourself. Okaaaaay. I just want to be able to see the surface of the dining table occasionally to be honest. I won’t be signing up then.
Not one to give up, I had a look at their Beginner Baby Steps section. Now, this looked achievable. Step 1: Shine your sink. I did that a couple of times during the nesting phase of my pregnancy (3 days). I could do it again.
So, I gamely poked a few flying ant carcasses down the plughole with a spoon, gave the sink a good scrub, then buffed it up with a tea-towel and a bit of baby oil. Lovely. Like a nice shiny beacon amid a sea of crap.
Then I turned around. Rory had been jibber jabbering behind me the whole time (“Mummy, sing the Bing Bong Song.” “Mummy, do a robot dance”, “Mummy, Rory helping” and so on). God damn it, why was I not paying attention? “Rory helping” is never a good phrase to hear, and this time was no exception, because while I was busy shining the sink and singing the cocking Bing Bong Song, he’d emptied the drawers and the contents of the fridge all over the floor. Jesus. What is the point?
After cleaning that lot up and wiping up the floor, I discovered that I was going to have to shine the sink again as it was now covered in yoghurt. In fact, I had to shine it again every time I washed my hands or got a drink. Do you have to shine your sink every time you use it? It doesn’t say on the website. Only, that’s going to be a bit of a problem because I’d run out of tea-towels by 10.30am. (How many tea-towels does one need by the way? We have 6 and I’m steadfastly not buying any more because we have better things to spend our money on than tea-towels. Am now a bit worried that I am a tea-towel miser).
Gave up after the 5th sink shining incident and took Rory out for a long walk in the rain for a change of scenery. Came back. Rory did a massive wee on the floor. Cleaned it up. Shined sink. Cleaned up the cheese spread that he smeared on the bin while I was shining the sink. Shined sink. Wiped the crayon marks off the toy box that he did while I was shining the sink. Shined sink. Gave up and made a cake with him, leading to the kitchen looked like Mr Kipling had exploded all over it. Did not shine sink. Sat on sofa eating cake and watched CBeebies instead. I do not Finally Love Myself or my house. I do not have a shiny sink. I do not feel motivated to clean my house. I am cross and whiney and, frankly, I’m feeling a bit twitchy about not having enough tea-towels. Back to being a domestic slattern it is.