Monday, 1 August 2011

Hello.

Now, I'm not going to knock Nigella Lawson.  She does some magical things in the kitchen, she encourages my husband to watch cooking programmes simply by being all voluptuous and posh and she's an excellent writer.  But this domestic goddess thing: It's just not possible if you're not her.  I have all the basics: the wavy dark hair, the public schoolgirl tones, I used to be a chef in my distant past, I have a child and a husband, I like cake, I even have the are-they-or-aren't-they-a-boob-job-breasts, but I'll be buggered if Charles Saatchi has ever come home from a hard days advertising to find Nigella in the kitchen, frantically pointing the hoover at the wall whilst protecting an open tin of Smartprice chopped tomatoes with her spare hand, shrieking "THOSE BASTARDING FLYING ANTS ARE COMING OUT OF THE CUPBOARDS AGAIN. WILL YOU PLEASE STOP BEING SUCH A STUBBORN WANKER AND LET PEST CONTROL DEAL WITH IT.  Oh, and Rory did a wee in your slipper again."

Rory is our two year old, incidentally; the only baby to have the questionable honour of being referred to as "the horseman of the apocalypse" by our health visitor for the first year of his life, the only baby to be banned from breastfeeding clinic for nearly strangling another child with his mittens on a string, the only baby in the entire history of the world (I suspect) ever to eat a 'well done' sticker from my drawer of teaching supplies and excrete it almost entirely whole the next day.  He's a bit less of a nightmare now he's older, but the general premise remains the same, and having a small child whose main delight is in climbing the kitchen chest of drawers and parascending from the top or packing opened Dairylea triangles into your wellies when you're not looking is a bit of an obstacle to domestic goddessery.

I believe that all (normal) mums must struggle to some extent and all (normal) toddlers must have a bit of Roryness in them somewhere, and so for that reason, I present my blog; a veritable cornucopia of failings, a few successes, recipes, tips, reviews, ideas for things to do with your child and idiotic things that I/Rory have done lately.  Expect mainly idiotic things as they are plentiful.  Successful ideas...not so much.

4 comments:

  1. I love reading your blog. It's very funny and strikes a note with all us mums of toddlers! Keep up the good work!

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  2. Gnah. Flying ants give me the heebies - I remember our patio being covered in them one summer when I was a kid, and going outside and they started crawling up my legs. I just stood shrieking like a banshee on a paving slab island, adrift in a sea of bastardy evilness.

    Fab blog! x

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  3. I love your blog from the first post! My son is almost 1, I hereby announce you as my guide to all things toddler :) Laura xxx

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  4. I just found your blog and it is such a laugh! Lots of inspiration too.

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