A quick word about the title of this post: You may think I'm being flippant when I use the word 'shit' to describe things he has given me over the years. I am not. Also, note the word 'brought' instead of 'bought'. This is also accurate. Mr Disgrace does not open his wallet lightly. That explained, lets make a start:
1. A 'Push Present':
Apparently giving your wife a pricey item of jewellery after they've given birth is a thing these days. I don't really see why anyone should get a diamond after performing what is basically a long and convoluted bodily function, but after a 36 hour labour during which I nearly died, a bunch of flowers might have been nice. Instead, my husband rocked up at the ward brandishing a large bag and saying "I've got you something" in the sort of way that might lead you to expect that you're in for a treat. He then brought out a box of Peanut Tracker bars and two massive packs of Kotex Ultra pads. "They were on BOGOF," he explained. "Oh, you can't eat Peanut Trackers because you're breastfeeding? Never mind, I'm feeling a bit snackish myself."
2. Sweets for his sweet:
He brought these home from work one day and handed them to me with a flourish.
"Oh, sweets! Well. That's lovely, thank you...hang on, there's only a few left in the jar."
"Yeah, they're a product sample from work. We ate all the good ones."
Shortly after the sweets episode, he returned home, holding something behind his back."I've got you something. It was a sample at work."
"Right. Is it something that nobody else wanted?"
"Is it something half eaten?"
"Is it a feminine hygiene product?"
"No, look, it's a proper present and it's in a box and everything:"
"That, my friend, is a steam cleaner. Use it on your balls."
4. An out of date Muller Light:
Words cannot express the joy I felt as my beloved returned from work one day and presented me with a warm Vanilla Muller Light with chocolate sprinkles.
"We cleaned out the fridge today and nobody claimed it. I left it on my desk all day to make sure. It's only a few days out of date, so it should be OK."It's time to roll out CapsLock: OMG RICHARD, I DON'T EVEN LIKE YOGHURTS AT THE BEST OF TIMES. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'D WANT A WARM, FESTERING, MOULDY ONE THAT NOBODY ELSE WANTED?
5. A slanket (anniversary present):Because nothing says romance like a fleecey blanket with sleeves.
"Look, if you wear it the other way around, you can pretend to be a wizard."
Can I? Can I really?
Recently, he came home from work (always he gives me these things when he comes home from work) and handed me a pair of spotty see through pants.
I was a bit bewildered, but I do need some new underwear, so I wasn't going to discourage this gift giving."Thanks babe, that's really nice of...WAIT, WHY DO THEY NOT HAVE TAGS ON?"
"Oh, they're the office joke pants. We put them in peoples drawers and in their cars and stuff. Sometimes they're in your folder at a meeting, sometimes you find them in your bag when you get home..."
"And you thought a pair of knickers that have been doing the rounds of your office for months was the perfect gift for your wife?"
"Yep. They're Bjorn Borg. Is that a good brand?"
I'd like to say that I came back with a witty retort shortly before stuffing said pants up his backside, but what I actually did was give them a good wash, then put them in my knicker drawer. Like I said - I need new underwear. I cannot wait for Valentines Day.